Last night, I spent the night with a true general for God...a friend of mine, and a true GEM! We were up late dreaming, and imagining about what God can and will do (far and above our imagination) in this city...I laid in bed just wired with excitement. All at once, I felt so many emotions invade my heart and spirit...the most confronting was this thought.."I'm so tired of being afraid of being me...and being totally abandoned to Christ...I'm tired of being afraid of other's opinions of my motives...I'm tired of wasting time on these silly things."
I'm convinced that we will never change a habit until we get completely fed up with it...bottom line, we can talk all we want to about eating better or exercising, but we won't until we get tired of how we feel without doing so. This sort of confrontation is the most painful, yet the most welcomed kind...because it usually means that I'm less of a "baby" in one area...that I'm now eating the "grown-up" food...hopefully that makes sense??
As I laid there dwelling on that thought, I began to talk to God (and remind Him...as if He needs reminding??) about all the times I said I was gonna put the "past" behind me...and grow up in this particular area. True...that life is about continually growing up...Phil. 1:3...enough said on that...
The truth is...I am very tired. So incredibly tired of being timid, and shy, and feeling unworthy to do anything for HIM...so exhausted in my striving....so tired of it. I'm at the point that the mere thought of how much time I've wasted reveling in my insecurity..makes me a little sick (in the best way)...I'm tired of the enemy feeding a stupid lie. Just plain tired...ha! (enough of the "tired" word).
On the train last night, Katie and I witnessed a very disturbing moment..and we both thought that we would were going to get punched last night...as in, we really felt like it was coming...but God protected us. (side note: I do not live in a dangerous place...I seriously don't..just rare moments like these happen) And honestly, it's all good...but the point is...am I ready for that??? What will my reaction to that be??? Am I prepared to give everything (my pride, my soul, my passion, my flesh) to the gospel?? It is a huge question that I'm afraid we tend to answer with an all-too-quick response of "yes of course..." without truly understanding the repercussions associated with that response.
I want to WANT GOD so much more than I already do...and I know that I don't want Him enough....I know it....but I'm desperate for this to change....
He has been speaking to me...showing me so much about my selfishness, yet showing me His love and compassion all over again...last night, the night before, and the night before that are all examples of this...I hope it continues...
Remind others of His unfailing love towards them...everyone is loved by HIM...xx
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