When I DON'T make a BIG decision

I've come to know something about myself within the last 5 years; something that saves me from so much stupidity.


I know exactly when I should NOT make a big decision. It's strange to everyone else, but I know it. It's when I feel vulnerable - emotionally, physically, spiritually...you name it...either one of these. When either of these are not strong and guarded, I make poor choices. I've been there, done that, and bought SOOOO many t-shirts!


And I will admit; with caution, that when one of these areas are not at their best, I don't think clearly. I actually think thoughts that I don't usually entertain. I'm talking about thoughts of unworthiness, self-pity, with-drawing...and sometimes I see myself differently...unattractive, not beautiful. All off these things are lies. And at the end of the day when I've realized that I've entertained these thoughts, I know that I've wasted so much time.  


Let me break it down for ya...


If I could rap it, I would. But I can't, so I won't. (You will thank me later) 


EMOTIONALLY- You know, I really believe to sum this one up we should look again at a scripture that I think we should keep close to us daily. Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart. For it determines the course of your life." Most of us are ruled by our heart. In other words, we are ruled by our emotions. Emotions aren't a bad thing if used properly. I believe emotions can be a great gift when it comes to loving others. Good emotion can allow compassion and mercy to govern your life when hatred, jealousy and judgement want to win out. But when your emotions have become 'emotional' and cause you to choose poorly based on how you 'feel' not what is right and true, that is when it get's dangerous. Be careful, make sure you are guarding your heart!!! Keep watch over it...be vigilant! Love that idea...protect, cover, be vigilant, be on guard, tenderly care for...You get the idea. 


PHYSICALLY - Ok. Here we go. This is a sensitive area for some. I know for me it is, but only when I am not taking care of this area of my life. Outside of our usual work, church, family (not in that order of course) there are 3 areas I believe are important: SLEEP, EAT, PLAY.

• SLEEP: This one, I will also admit I'm not on top of yet. For many reasons...but It's not cause I don't want to sleep. But if I don't get enough, I'm tired - therefore I make stupid decisions. CLEAR?! I think so...And I know that most of you are the same. I've seen it :) 
• EAT: You are what you eat. Plain and simple. You eat a lot of crap, you'll feel like crap. And then you'll see yourself that way, and then continue to eat that way because "what the heck? why not?" I have done both: healthy and unhealthy, and I gotta say, I enjoy the healthy life-style so much more. I not only feel more attractive, alive, awake, happy...but I think I actually look that way. And let's not even get started on the fact that what you eat can also determine your health. Now I'm not a health freak or anything, but I do want to live long and be going strong for awhile. And by the way, I'm not into diets...I'm into life-style choices :) 
• PLAY: Alright folks, we aren't 4 years old so I'm not talking about playing on the play ground or anything like that (uh..unless you enjoy that). But what I do mean is that we need to make sure we are doing things we love. Sure some of you have a family you are raising and taking care of. But you can not be the best YOU unless you are also taking care of yourself. Doing the thing(s) you love and are passionate about help to relieve you from everyday stress. Maybe it's drawing/painting/singing/writing/jogging/reading/collecting bugs(eww)/surfing/biking/coin-collecting/watching movies/going on a date with your husband or wife/hanging with friends...whatever it is, make sure you do it at least once a week. Set aside the time and make yourself do it!!! I believe this will help you with the 'heart and emotional' side of your life too. When this area is taken care of, you are sane. Which is GREAT for everyone around you. Yay for Sanity!!! 

SPIRITUALLY - This is; I believe, the most important area of your life to guard. Joshua 1:8 speaks of not letting the book of the law (the Bible) depart from your mouth. In other words, continue to meditate on the word - memorize it, study it, draw your strength from it. Every time I read the word, I always wonder why I don't read it more because I know I need it so much. It is 'life and breath' to my soul. Perhaps you don't feel like reading some days...and maybe that lasts for a long time. However, don't allow yourself to read the word simply because it's an obligation. That isn't what the Lord wants. A relationship should never be about obligation; and the moment it is, we need to take a look at when it became that way and why. Psalm 1:1-3 speaks of the 'blessed' man. A man who meditates on the word day and night. Whenever I don't 'feel' like reading the word, I do it anyway. I read it not because I HAVE to (because I don't have to, God isn't making me), but because I know I NEED to. I need to read the word to be encouraged, to think straight, to get answers, and to know the Lord better because I love Him. 

And prayer is simple. It's not this complex "5 steps to a good prayer" kinda thing. The disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray. I love that story because they knew they didn't have a clue how to pray so they asked Him and He replied with this:

This, then, is how you should pray:
   " 'Our Father in heaven,
   hallowed be your name,
 ¹⁰your kingdom come,
   your will be done
      on earth as it is in heaven.
 ¹¹Give us today our daily bread.
 ¹²Forgive us our debts,
      as we also have forgiven our debtors.
 ¹³And lead us not into temptation,
   but deliver us from the evil one.

   for yours is the kingdom and the 

   power and the glory forever. Amen."

Outside of this prayer, just talk to Jesus like He is right near you; your friend. Talk through what you're going through. Yes he does know all things, but He still wants to have relationship with the ones He created. And a relationship is hard to have when you don't speak to one another. 

I've learned that if one of these areas aren't quite right in my life, I don't and won't make a decision until I know I'm in a place to do so. 


And I think it's hard to make a decision when you know what the Lord has spoken to you but even the people closest to you are against you. Remember wise council is essential in all decisions - but it is what it is: other people's council. Don't let people be the ONLY determining factor for what the outcome of your decision is. 

Right now; at this very season in my life, I believe the Lord has spoken to me about a new place. I've spoken to the people in my life I consider wise council, and all of them completely agree that this is exactly what they believe to be right for my life. But I also know that I want to completely surrender my plans and ideas to God's - always. With that being said, I'm making plans...but I'm being cautious with who I tell and what I tell others because I want to make sure that I'm making this decision based on what I know God has put in my path to do, not on emotion or how I feel in this season.  

I don't want to have regrets in my life because I made a decision out of the emotion I was feeling at the time. 

I want to be considered a wise woman because... maybe I was cautious and sometimes slow in making a big decision. And because I know that every decision I make (whether I know it or not) affects the people in my world; indirectly and directly. 

You may believe that taking care of yourself is selfish; when actually, it can be very selfish to NOT do so. 

Take care of yourself. Make sure your emotions are in check, have fun, do something you love and if you don't know what you love - FIND OUT! Take care of your body, you've only got one. Exercise; no matter what size you are - Remember, healthy doesn't mean thin!!! And take care of your spirit man. I'm not getting weird, I'm getting "REAL." Whatever it looks like for you, make sure you are spiritually strong - Temptation will always come, but when you are on guard spiritually, you can pass the test every time. 

But please please don't get weird about those little decisions you make everyday like which shoes to wear, what beach you should drive to today , what fruit you should put in your cereal, whether or not you should brush your teeth before bed cause you're so tired, which black coat to wear today cause you have 5 of them...you get my drift - you don't need to pray about these things...Just make the decision. It's not hard. :) 

AND Don't worry...

AND remember HE CARES FOR YOU...

AND know that YOU are loved...

My Dad: Phillip Edward Mueller

I could say a million and one delightfully descriptive words regarding my mom - but this time - It's all about my dad.

The thing is, my dad is the type of guy who I could brag on for days and yet he wouldn't understand how great he is to me. It's a good kind of frustration.

My dad is 'MAP MAN.' I'm not kidding!!! Literally everywhere I've been in the world, dad somehow knows where exactly I am in relation to some other place nearby. He could tell me how to get somewhere even though he'd never been there himself. I swear, If he had a super-power, this would be it. To never get lost going anywhere. Ok, maybe I am the only one that would call that a super power. :)

I remember when I was little, we used to go down to the local elementary school on a Saturday morning/afternoon and play basketball. Dad took the time to help me to get better. I loved that time with him. I was his little girl. I remember mom telling me funny stories about him and I. One, being how when it was his turn to bathe me when I was like 3 or 4 years old, He'd finish off and comb my hair back like a boy. I mean, what was he supposed to do when he'd only learned on my older brother? But my mom would laugh at him and tell him that he shouldn't comb my hair back like a boy - cause I was a girl. I sort of wish I were a fly on the wall during moments like that.

I remember playing hide-and-seek with my dad and my other brother. My dad was so strong, and big, and loud that when we played with dad, my brother and I would always be so scared to find dad that we'd always get mom to come with us to find him. It was the best.

I remember him tickling us until we couldn't breathe...I remember him never ever yelling at us - only a slight raise of the voice. And I gotta tell ya, I hated that - cause I knew he was disappointed when the voice was raised.

But then I became a 'young woman.' And things changed just a little bit - which felt like a lot. I thought I knew everything and he knew nothing. I thought a lot of things and acted a lot of ways towards my dad that some days I wish I could take back. But that is all a part of growing up and learning. I knew back then that one day I'd grow up and see my Dad differently. I knew I'd appreciate him more than I could possibly explain to anyone. I knew that one day, my love for my Dad would be so strong that my heart would hurt.

That time came. That time is now.

I think the greatest revelation that you will have as a child regarding your parents is when you realize how much they've sacrificed their own dreams and visions of what they thought life would be for them to make sure that YOURS came true...Now. My dad saved as much as he could considering all the 'unfortunate things' that would come up that would swallow every bit of that savings. So he'd start all over because he is a wise man - faithful with what God has given him. My dad wanted to finish his degree; the degree he never finished when he was younger. A regret I'm sure that will haunt him forever. I still; however, think he is the smartest man I know.

I've been without a job for over 2 months. It's really hard for me to be OK with this. I'm naturally the 'hard-working' type. I was brought up that way and I'm so thankful that I was. Without a job and no income coming in, dad has selflessly made sure that I've been OK during this time. Something I'm both thankful to him for, annoyed and quietly ashamed of myself. It's only temporary, I know.

The other day as Dad was leaving after his visit with the rest of family, He gave me some money. The moment he started to reach for his wallet, I immediately said, "dad...please don't. Don't give me more money." I meant it. Dad had helped me too much as far as I was concerned. But instead he gave it to me anyway and told me that it was going to be alright and that I would have a job soon but that he wanted to make sure I was ok until then. He didn't know it, but I started to cry as he walked away.

I didn't deserve that money at all. I had spent what he'd previously given me before. I hadn't squandered it or anything like that...but it was money he'd worked for and I'm 26 years old. I expected more from myself.

I went for a drive later on that night and I began to ponder on that one moment. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else - but It's like I understood God - my father - in a whole new way.

You see, I have never done anything to earn what He has so abundantly given me. That in my bad decisions and  mistakes - moments when I have nothing to show for the place I'm in - HE sweeps in and pours abundantly that love and blessing I've come to know so well. I am undone all over again.

And yet; somehow, I still believe that I have/and can earn my way to His love.  I realize that because I think I feel that way about my Dad. I feel that way even though He has never given me any indication that I needed to do so. My earthly father has never made me earn his love. Ever.

How much more does God; without condition, want to do the same?

I honestly can't say anything else at this point - I am undoubtedly undone. Hopefully forever.

CAUSE AND EFFECT - PART 2 - Pay it Forward

Yesterday morning my sister-in-law and I drove through the Starbucks drive through to get ourselves a drink before I dropped her off at work and went off to hopefully find one of my own.

Now. I love Starbucks. Maybe it's not the best coffee in the world, but I've got some of the best memories associated with Starbucks, so it remains one of my favorites :).

As soon as we get up to the window to pay for our $12.30 purchase, the lady says "That will be $9.30 today. They guy before you paid it forward."

We both looked at each other and said to her simultaneously, "What?."

She said, "Yep you're the 24th car in a row today that's paid it forward. Unfortunately, the guy in front of you couldn't pay your whole bill but he did want to pay $3.00 of it."

We both looked at each other again with the same look and the same awe. We couldn't believe that 24 cars in a row had been  paying for the car after them.

I've seen a lot of blessing in action, but this one particular 'pay it forward' moment stunned me. It stunned us both. Never had we heard of something so simple and yet so rewarding done in a long time.

As we were driving away, I said to my sister; "This is way we should always live. We should always be paying it forward."

I love the movie...it stands to this day as still one of my favorite movies. It didn't make much money in the box office; in fact, I'm not even sure it made it to the theaters. But out of every one I know who's watched this movie - guys and girls, we've all been changed by it's undeniable truth woven throughout the sadness and the beauty of this movie. The truth that when you 'pay it forward' (do a good deed for someone else selflessly, with no strings attached), it creates this 'ripple effect.' It makes you feel good when you do something for someone else without them knowing before hand. It makes you feel like you've got reason to live.

I imagine that yesterday, a whole lot of people had a really good day because of their sacrifice. I'd also imagine that a lot more people paid it forward. It's contagious. It's fun. And there's no pressure to it...you do only what you can do.

I think I'm gonna do something everyday for someone and then challenge them to 'Pay it forward.'

What if we ALL did this?! I can only imagine how our whole demeanor would change. We might just have the strength to enjoy life again; enjoy our families, our work, our life.

Let's do it.

Are you in?

I'm in.

CAUSE AND EFFECT - PART 1 - Victims are on BOTH sides

It's quite possible that MAYBE I shouldn't post this but I'm going to anyway...I think we need to get better at not letting these things happen. I'm not exactly sure how on all of them. But I think it's a ripple effect - once you let one thing happen, it welcomes in so many other things. And I guess today is just one of those days when I've seen too much. It breaks my heart in more than one way. It's overwhelming in it's own need of 'fixing' and 'changing' and making people aware of it:




1. Child abuse or any kind of abuse for that matter!
2. When the state tries to find a 'safe' home for a child only to find that the 'safe' home isn't really safe at all and the child is then exposed to more abuse etc. Which then causes the child to not believe in family ever again.
3. When people give up on young people/people just because they've messed up a few times.
4. Human trafficking...sex, drug, labour...all of the above!
5. When I see other Christians who feel the need to tell hurting people why they are suffering...and it's because of their disobedience to God - instead of loving on them and helping them through it.
6. How society tells a girl that she needs to be a certain size/colour/race/hair colour...to fit in and be noticed.
7. When I see/hear woman being verbally abusive to their husbands and talking horribly behind their back.
8. How we can get so caught up in politics that we don't notice the 'need' that's close enough kiss our face!
9. Racism - let's get over it! Stop labeling people...they are people NOT habits or specific crimes...ENOUGH!
10. World hunger...We have so much resource to alleviate this issue. We gotta start getting more creative with how we can individually change this. ME included.


You know what I've always tried to see is both sides of injustice. I don't care how cliche it sounds...Hurting people really do hurt people. I've seen myself say things I don't mean because I'm hurting. It is cause and effect. Inevitable.


We can break the cycle people - I know we can! I know it can be hard to have an ounce of sympathy or love for the abuser or the rapist but I'm starting to. In a strange way. And one thing I know for sure is that God loves them...hates what they do...but He loves them nonetheless.


Let me tell you a story that may make sense of the ludicrous statement I've just made.


I remember these 2 little girls around 8 years old that I used to see every week at church. Don't ask me how we met, because I'm not entirely sure I remember the exact moment. But we just clicked. Best of friends :). EVERY week they'd run up to me, yell my name, and give me the biggest hug imaginable. No matter what happened that day - that one moment always made my day better.


I'd known them for...probably about 6 months when the worst day in our lives happened. I was meeting and greeting the new people at church in a designated area where these girls would always meet me every week. One of the girls pokes at my arm...not the usual greeting. I look down at her and instantly my day got better. She had the most pure blue eyes - today they were sad. I said the biggest hello I could muster in that moment knowing something was wrong.


She then said, "you need to come see Ellie (that's what I'll call her for now), she's really sad and she's scared of one of the boys here."


I said "why is she scared of that boy?"  You see this guy she is speaking of is also another great friend of mine who would NEVER do anything to hurt anyone; especially these girls. He genuinely cared for them.


she answers back, "You need to talk to her. She's over there."


I looked over at where she was pointing and my heart sank. I can't explain it, but I didn't think my body could feel like this so suddenly. I felt like I was going to puke and cry at the same time. I felt all of that just by looking at 'Ellie's" face. This once vibrant, loving, beautiful, free, fun girl was caged by a sadness. And I knew immediately what kind of cage this was and how she had been caged. I remember saying to God, "NO GOD! please tell me it's not true!" I walked over to her immediately and sat down beside her.


After I put my arms around her I looked at her and said, "Honey, tell me what's wrong." I wish I wouldn't have asked. Part of me wishes I didn't show up that day in church. Part of me wishes I would have never made friends with such beautiful little girls...part of me. Because that part of me wouldn't have had to hear what I was about to hear.


She started telling me the story whilst fighting back the most frightening tears I've ever seen. She told me how 2 days before that she had been playing at the playground; like she did everyday. When all the sudden a man she didn't know lured her back to his house and raped her. She didn't even know what the word 'rape was. She just knew he hurt her.


I remember being so angry in that moment, I could have hunted that man down and (in my imagination) beat the crap out of him. But the strangest thing happened. At the very same moment I was angry for this poor little girl, the spirit of God showed me something. He spoke something to me.


"What about the one who hurt her? He was a victim too."


Now I know that God does NOT agree with and detests rape and abuse of any kind! I know it...it's in His word. And I'm not saying that something like this doesn't anger Him. I think it does. He is only good. He is righteous and He burns with a righteous anger over certain things.  But God sees the full picture. Both sides. Before and after. The beginning and the End.


I guess the reason why I told you that story and I why I am 'seemingly' defending the abuser, is because...we need to remember them in our prayers. They need to be delivered from darkness too. Yes there are consequences to all of our actions and we should be charged for whatever crimes we commit. It is law we live in and must adhere to. But to only see one side of the sad stories we hear every day would be just as naive as siding with the criminal.


I will never understand WHY someone would abuse or murder or rape or sell someone for money. I will never ever ever understand it. But Jesus teaches us to love our enemies. It is not the easiest thing we ever had to do. But if we could learn this....what incredible tragedies could possibly turn into triumphs?!


A victim can change their future no matter what has happened in their past. They can, it's been done. I know people very close to me who have been through 'unspeakable' tragedy and yet they are free, and loved, and have families and have completely turned away from the possibility that they would turn out the same as their offender. We may not be able to change people directly...but we can indirectly with love. People CAN change.


There is a victim on both sides of the story...I think REAL justice is making room in our hearts to see that.




You are loved way beyond your ability to comprehend - by a God who sent His one and only Son who died to save you...