Rainy days always, always get me thinking more than I should. Funnily enough, I should be working on my college work; clearly I'm not.
I like meditating on what I've been blessed with...and even the things I long to have. Dreams-yeah...I've got plenty of those. Needs and desires? Sure...I've got plenty of those too. But the most beautiful thing about the wait, is the journey. The journey is the hardest part. It's the place where you give the most, and where you understand the least. The questions and concerns about where you're at are endless, and seem to never get answered.
But then the day comes; the day that has been months (sometimes, years) in the making. It's a magnificent day indeed! It's one of those moments that you've labored over for so long. You're in awe, so you just stand there in a sort of shock that you're where you're at in that moment. Thankfulness is a given; of course.
.....I think we'd all agree that these glorious days are where we'd rather be; as few as they are. 'Journey' days are the more common. They are also the most despised by you and I.
How easy is it to give thanks when everything is going our way and when our dreams come true so quickly?
(I'll answer for you) ---- It's VERY easy!
BUT thankfulness is due no matter what is happening or not happening. There is always someone who is less fortunate than you or I. I've heard it said that perspective is essential...I couldn't agree more.
(Here's the point I'm trying to make!!!)
Don't you remember that dream/desire that was so dear to your heart, that you labored over for so long? Do you remember the tears/sweat that you poured out over it? Do you remember thinking "Is this ever going to happen?" Did you ever feel like giving up on what you thought looked impossible, and almost did? Then, do you remember the day when 'it' all FINALLY came to pass?! Do you remember the feelings you had?
(Ha! I'd like to call this "the step-by-step process of a dream coming to pass." It's the journey we've all been on, and will continue to go on as long as we are living.)
There's a saying that I think is correct MOST of the time. :) It says this: "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Some things tell the truth over time...if you know what I mean. You can find out if something is real or temporary just by waiting. Sooner or later, time really will tell you.
Then there are those rare, 'you can count on one hand' moments when time has made your desire for that dream grow far more than you ever imagined. You've prayed, cried over, worked hard to protect, and waited on God the whole way through it....and years later, it's this very pure, real, 'built on a strong foundation' kind of dream. All that's left to do now is wait. Hard as it may be, that 'glorious' day will come.
There's a distance between where you are right now, and where you may want to be. There is a distance between what you have, and what you want to have (good, pure desires). When it is a 'good' distance (the kind that proves itself over time), it is a real beautiful thing.
I've seen it so many times in those closest to me. I've heard their deepest desires and been with them through the midnight 'break-downs' where questioning their own dream is louder than their faith in it. I've been there myself. I'm still there in one or more ways right now. But I can honestly say; this distance that I feel in between the here and the future, is making my heart grow fonder. It's quietly creating a deeper, stronger patience for the wait. Patience is real love...(for whatever you're waiting for)...and it's much deeper than 'what you want right now." The longer you wait - the more selfless you become.
The day you are walking in what you only once dreamed and toiled(emotionally) over, you're also ready for it. You've been preparing and praying for so long. Don't despise the wait...use it, and allow your heart to grow more fond of the future.
There were so many times, I wondered "Is this for real...what I desire/dream?" And time always told me the truth about it's future in my life.
Embrace the waiting....let your heart grow fonder of what you're praying for, dreaming of, longing for. And sooner or later, time will tell you the truth.
Lean on Jesus...you are loved by Him more than you know,
xx
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Walk it out...NO WAIT...WRITE it out!
I remember playing sport in middle school and then trading in the "obvious sport" for the kind of sport that people misinterpret for 'mamby pamby' sport - Dance. Let me tell you something...It's no "MAMBY PAMBY" sport! I would challenge any man; or person for that matter to give leaps and high kicks a try for 30 seconds and tell me you're not gonna be sore for about as long as you'd be sore for getting pummeled in football.
OK...Yes, I'm passionate about dance. I digress. :)
BUT. When I played basketball, I loved it! I really was passionate about it. And although I've never been a real big 'competition' type person (i'd rather just play for fun), I loved it. And I'd like to think at the time, I was pretty good. Obviously not WNBA worthy...maybe when I grow up? Every time I got hurt or anyone else got hurt, I'd hear the coach or some random player's over-eccentric, sports fanatic-like mom yell from the stands, "Walk it out, Walk it out...It'd be alright!"
So, we'd 'walk it out.' Even if it was just that the ball hit me in the nose. Same thing; walk it out. Because sooner or later, everything was better. I'd understand it if it were a sprang knee, ankle, or foot type incident, but it was used for EVERY injury. I loved it! Every sport I've watched lived in high school has the same common phrase yelled out somewhere in between the first half of the game, the cheerleaders dance in the middle, and the 2nd half.
The other night I'm laying in bed and all the sudden this "walk it out" thought comes to my mind and then was quickly followed by an abrupt "No...WRITE IT OUT!" I remember thinking that I needed to write so badly in that moment, but I share a room with a 2 year old and my attempt at getting up without making any noise from one room to the next would probably fail. Even though I'm naturally a very light stepper around the house when I need to be.
(Side note: I'm also the lightest sleeper you will probably ever meet. Much to my detriment. Unfortunately it isn't hereditary so I can't blame any of my family members for an 'eyelash blink' that somehow wakes me up.)
Because I was too afraid to wake my nephew, I remained in bed; sure as I'll ever be that in the morning, I'd remember the words that I had at that exact moment. Yeah. Anyone who has a brain and who has ever made writing a hobby or a passion knows that is the decision to 'wait til the morning' is the dumbest one you can make in regards to writing. Because almost every time, you forget it - because you've slept.
I can't explain how much I believe in writing and how much it can actually make your 'darkly-dimmed day' turn into a subtle blue shade of hope; even if you don't necessarily feel it. Once you write it, you lose the weight of it. It's as if you are taking the weight of whatever it is that is effecting you and you're putting on paper. After that point, it's not yours to carry anymore. It's your journal's job now. As weird as that may seem, it's true.
Even now, I've had such a long day. Everything right now is so beautifully graced and favored, but it is also very overwhelming because it is all very unknown. I've never done these things before, I've never seen these things before, and I've never had this much responsibility. But yet, all I can think of doing is writing. It's the only 'sane' thing to do in my head. I can't even begin any one of the 10 projects I need to work on because my mind is too full. And strange as it is, after writing this, I'll be good to go!
So my theory is this...Yes I said THEORY. I'm not trying to be 'weird' or over analyze anything here...just trying to say something that I believe with all my heart will honestly change your life if/when you begin doing it.
WRITE IT OUT! Write out your frustrations, your glories, your sadness, your joys, your failures, your triumphs, your fears, your dreams, and even write out your frustration with another person. Believe me, that's much much better than telling someone else who doesn't need to know that information. Gossip is ugly anyway, and it makes you unattractive. BUT FYI, just make sure you give that person a 'code name' so if they ever read it, you won't offend them later on when you've forgiven them for whatever silly thing happened between the two of you.
I also think that everyone can do this. No matter how many kids you have, whatever job you have, how much free-time you think you have. Write down how you feel, what you dream, what you hope...whatever! I know all kinds of people that do this. Maybe you don't have every day to do this, but you've got once a week right? Try it. Try it for a month and tell me you don't feel better. Maybe you won't...but i'd honestly be surprised.
I love when young people come up to me with things they've written and want me to read it. It's real personal stuff; about family, or fears, or sadness, or their best friend. But I absolutely adore it! And I always let them know how proud of them that I am because it takes 'guts' to put how you feel on paper. It takes 'guts' to let someone else read it. But the more you write, the more you find satisfaction in it.
Will you write things that are horrible and probably don't have any point? Sure. At times, you'll probably write things and then later on read them and think 'what in the world was I thinking?" That's ok. We've all done it. But you learn every time you write. You learn more about yourself both in an academic way and in a personal way.
It's a real-raw-passionate-beautiful-process.
So...WRITE IT OUT! Just do it...you know you want to.
And when you've begun to write, you can then encourage someone else to write. But if you're going to write, don't write to hurt others-write to help others. I promise, if you go in with that mindset, you will most definitely help people.
We can learn so much from each other's life experiences.
Get it going...don't just sit there...really!
You are loved,
Nat
OK...Yes, I'm passionate about dance. I digress. :)
BUT. When I played basketball, I loved it! I really was passionate about it. And although I've never been a real big 'competition' type person (i'd rather just play for fun), I loved it. And I'd like to think at the time, I was pretty good. Obviously not WNBA worthy...maybe when I grow up? Every time I got hurt or anyone else got hurt, I'd hear the coach or some random player's over-eccentric, sports fanatic-like mom yell from the stands, "Walk it out, Walk it out...It'd be alright!"
So, we'd 'walk it out.' Even if it was just that the ball hit me in the nose. Same thing; walk it out. Because sooner or later, everything was better. I'd understand it if it were a sprang knee, ankle, or foot type incident, but it was used for EVERY injury. I loved it! Every sport I've watched lived in high school has the same common phrase yelled out somewhere in between the first half of the game, the cheerleaders dance in the middle, and the 2nd half.
The other night I'm laying in bed and all the sudden this "walk it out" thought comes to my mind and then was quickly followed by an abrupt "No...WRITE IT OUT!" I remember thinking that I needed to write so badly in that moment, but I share a room with a 2 year old and my attempt at getting up without making any noise from one room to the next would probably fail. Even though I'm naturally a very light stepper around the house when I need to be.
(Side note: I'm also the lightest sleeper you will probably ever meet. Much to my detriment. Unfortunately it isn't hereditary so I can't blame any of my family members for an 'eyelash blink' that somehow wakes me up.)
Because I was too afraid to wake my nephew, I remained in bed; sure as I'll ever be that in the morning, I'd remember the words that I had at that exact moment. Yeah. Anyone who has a brain and who has ever made writing a hobby or a passion knows that is the decision to 'wait til the morning' is the dumbest one you can make in regards to writing. Because almost every time, you forget it - because you've slept.
I can't explain how much I believe in writing and how much it can actually make your 'darkly-dimmed day' turn into a subtle blue shade of hope; even if you don't necessarily feel it. Once you write it, you lose the weight of it. It's as if you are taking the weight of whatever it is that is effecting you and you're putting on paper. After that point, it's not yours to carry anymore. It's your journal's job now. As weird as that may seem, it's true.
Even now, I've had such a long day. Everything right now is so beautifully graced and favored, but it is also very overwhelming because it is all very unknown. I've never done these things before, I've never seen these things before, and I've never had this much responsibility. But yet, all I can think of doing is writing. It's the only 'sane' thing to do in my head. I can't even begin any one of the 10 projects I need to work on because my mind is too full. And strange as it is, after writing this, I'll be good to go!
So my theory is this...Yes I said THEORY. I'm not trying to be 'weird' or over analyze anything here...just trying to say something that I believe with all my heart will honestly change your life if/when you begin doing it.
WRITE IT OUT! Write out your frustrations, your glories, your sadness, your joys, your failures, your triumphs, your fears, your dreams, and even write out your frustration with another person. Believe me, that's much much better than telling someone else who doesn't need to know that information. Gossip is ugly anyway, and it makes you unattractive. BUT FYI, just make sure you give that person a 'code name' so if they ever read it, you won't offend them later on when you've forgiven them for whatever silly thing happened between the two of you.
I also think that everyone can do this. No matter how many kids you have, whatever job you have, how much free-time you think you have. Write down how you feel, what you dream, what you hope...whatever! I know all kinds of people that do this. Maybe you don't have every day to do this, but you've got once a week right? Try it. Try it for a month and tell me you don't feel better. Maybe you won't...but i'd honestly be surprised.
I love when young people come up to me with things they've written and want me to read it. It's real personal stuff; about family, or fears, or sadness, or their best friend. But I absolutely adore it! And I always let them know how proud of them that I am because it takes 'guts' to put how you feel on paper. It takes 'guts' to let someone else read it. But the more you write, the more you find satisfaction in it.
Will you write things that are horrible and probably don't have any point? Sure. At times, you'll probably write things and then later on read them and think 'what in the world was I thinking?" That's ok. We've all done it. But you learn every time you write. You learn more about yourself both in an academic way and in a personal way.
It's a real-raw-passionate-beautiful-process.
So...WRITE IT OUT! Just do it...you know you want to.
And when you've begun to write, you can then encourage someone else to write. But if you're going to write, don't write to hurt others-write to help others. I promise, if you go in with that mindset, you will most definitely help people.
We can learn so much from each other's life experiences.
Get it going...don't just sit there...really!
You are loved,
Nat
Friday, August 6, 2010
Love isn't Safe...
I heard a song the other day; then quickly followed it by attempting to find the story behind the song. I'm not sure if you know what I'm talking about when I say this but there are those songs that you love and you'll play on repeat about a dozen times ten times just because you can't get enough of it. Then there are those songs that make you wonder if you've ever written down these lyrics subconsciously and then someone else took them. Only you've never actually voiced them out loud, and to be honest, you probably weren't aware that it was even true about yourself...
I like to call these moments: Wake up calls.
Not exactly the early morning call you want when you've tried to sleep all night long or you've been out all night doing whatever, but it's needed in order to get on with your day; or in other words, your life. These moments usually happen when you least expect them to and that's is probably what I love most about them.
How gracious and compassionate of a God do we serve that He reaches us in ways like this so we can hear Him and become a greater person. Sure it's a painful moment when you realize that you've got YET another area to work on or give up (however you look at it), but it's a beautiful humbling place. Bitter sweet.
Here are the lyrics...
"Safe"
You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
you're not safe
I'm strong enough, I've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill,
So I'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't
Everything you want, but its everything you need
Its not always happy endings but its happy in between
Its taken so long, so long to finally see
That your love is worth the risk
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
Your not safe
And that's okay
I really haven't lived that long; but I've lived long enough to know that loving someone is such a risk. Just like anyone, I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, mistreated, used, and the list continues. But let's not stay on this; because, to be honest, that is life. We live in a world full of humanity; and the thing we all share is our initial default to make mistakes. (Thank God He sent His son to save us from ourselves).
And what I never really realized until recently was how much I had created 'unintentional' walls between myself and others; so afraid of so many things. Opening up to someone means that they'll know things about you that they could hold against you. It means being vulnerable and trusting all over again.
But what if something goes wrong???
There were these incredibly amazing people that I would find myself getting to know in friendship and yet there was this small part of me that was so scared to go any further in the friendship. Sadly, they remained exactly where I left them...at a distance. I have concluded many a time that I missed out by not allowing myself to get any closer.
Love is not just a word, it is an action and a lifestyle choice. It is completely selfless, completely vulnerable, completely sacrificial, completely beautiful, and completely messy in the level of risk it requires.
What if you love someone but they don't love you back?
What if someone doesn't really like me when they get to know me?
What if I appear too needy when I confide in them?
When I think of love, I think of Jesus. For God so LOVED the world, that he gave his only son. Everything about that beautiful sacrifice was a risk. Who's to say whether or not you or I would ever/or will ever open our hearts to Him? Our returned love was never guaranteed when He gave HIS life, and His love.
The most confronting thing about my 'wake up call' the other day is how much it closely related to how I am with God. I've spent so much time trying to hold it all together (even before God) thinking that I'd be a burden if I didn't, that I missed out on the blessing of relationship God was trying to bring to my life.
I always talk about how much we all need each other. "We were created for relationship - not just with God but also with each other." There is absolutely nothing safe about loving someone or being loved, but it is so worth the risk it requires.
BUT; the other day, I was awakened to the fact that I didn't actually believe completely in what I was 'preaching.' I mean, I absolutely loved when others would confide in me and need me for things; but I was so afraid that as soon as I needed someone for the same reasons - that others would never want to reciprocate it. What a horrible distrust I had built in people! To clarify, there are near and dear people in my life that I have completely opened up my heart to - without any reserve or disappointment in doing so. But I just allowed myself to remain safe...with everyone.
Reality is that we can't possibly trust every single person we come into contact with. But for those who have a underlying fear to trust anyone and will unintentionally hold people at a safe distance (and not realize it), please know that (along with myself) it's probably time to break down these self-made walls we have selfishly built (with good intentions:).
The more I read about Wisdom, the more I notice that wisdom doesn't build walls, but it has this caution and strength that can protect you from unnecessary pain. We can't possibly know the intentions of every person we come in contact with; and that is where godly wisdom comes into play. But what I always want to remember is how much of a risk Christ has taken with you and I.
Getting hurt in any relationship is inevitable; and that being said from a place of optimism. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't take the risk in caring and loving for someone.
We could be missing out on one of the most influential relationships that will ever exist in our life. Love isn't safe...and that's ok...because I would rather live a life with no regrets.
I want to be known because I gave. Instead of being so afraid to give that I never knew real love to the fullest.
Whoever you are...fear has no place..PERFECT LOVE (comes with risk) replaces and 'casts' out all fear.
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of running away from something that I actually need. I only wish I could apologize to all those I'm sure I pushed away...
Jesus gave and loved to the fullest. He did that for us...because He believed there was no risk in loving you and I that wasn't worth dying for.
Breathe that thought in...
you are loved.
xx
I like to call these moments: Wake up calls.
Not exactly the early morning call you want when you've tried to sleep all night long or you've been out all night doing whatever, but it's needed in order to get on with your day; or in other words, your life. These moments usually happen when you least expect them to and that's is probably what I love most about them.
How gracious and compassionate of a God do we serve that He reaches us in ways like this so we can hear Him and become a greater person. Sure it's a painful moment when you realize that you've got YET another area to work on or give up (however you look at it), but it's a beautiful humbling place. Bitter sweet.
Here are the lyrics...
"Safe"
You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
you're not safe
I'm strong enough, I've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill,
So I'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't
Everything you want, but its everything you need
Its not always happy endings but its happy in between
Its taken so long, so long to finally see
That your love is worth the risk
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
Your not safe
And that's okay
I really haven't lived that long; but I've lived long enough to know that loving someone is such a risk. Just like anyone, I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, mistreated, used, and the list continues. But let's not stay on this; because, to be honest, that is life. We live in a world full of humanity; and the thing we all share is our initial default to make mistakes. (Thank God He sent His son to save us from ourselves).
And what I never really realized until recently was how much I had created 'unintentional' walls between myself and others; so afraid of so many things. Opening up to someone means that they'll know things about you that they could hold against you. It means being vulnerable and trusting all over again.
But what if something goes wrong???
There were these incredibly amazing people that I would find myself getting to know in friendship and yet there was this small part of me that was so scared to go any further in the friendship. Sadly, they remained exactly where I left them...at a distance. I have concluded many a time that I missed out by not allowing myself to get any closer.
Love is not just a word, it is an action and a lifestyle choice. It is completely selfless, completely vulnerable, completely sacrificial, completely beautiful, and completely messy in the level of risk it requires.
What if you love someone but they don't love you back?
What if someone doesn't really like me when they get to know me?
What if I appear too needy when I confide in them?
When I think of love, I think of Jesus. For God so LOVED the world, that he gave his only son. Everything about that beautiful sacrifice was a risk. Who's to say whether or not you or I would ever/or will ever open our hearts to Him? Our returned love was never guaranteed when He gave HIS life, and His love.
The most confronting thing about my 'wake up call' the other day is how much it closely related to how I am with God. I've spent so much time trying to hold it all together (even before God) thinking that I'd be a burden if I didn't, that I missed out on the blessing of relationship God was trying to bring to my life.
I always talk about how much we all need each other. "We were created for relationship - not just with God but also with each other." There is absolutely nothing safe about loving someone or being loved, but it is so worth the risk it requires.
BUT; the other day, I was awakened to the fact that I didn't actually believe completely in what I was 'preaching.' I mean, I absolutely loved when others would confide in me and need me for things; but I was so afraid that as soon as I needed someone for the same reasons - that others would never want to reciprocate it. What a horrible distrust I had built in people! To clarify, there are near and dear people in my life that I have completely opened up my heart to - without any reserve or disappointment in doing so. But I just allowed myself to remain safe...with everyone.
Reality is that we can't possibly trust every single person we come into contact with. But for those who have a underlying fear to trust anyone and will unintentionally hold people at a safe distance (and not realize it), please know that (along with myself) it's probably time to break down these self-made walls we have selfishly built (with good intentions:).
The more I read about Wisdom, the more I notice that wisdom doesn't build walls, but it has this caution and strength that can protect you from unnecessary pain. We can't possibly know the intentions of every person we come in contact with; and that is where godly wisdom comes into play. But what I always want to remember is how much of a risk Christ has taken with you and I.
Getting hurt in any relationship is inevitable; and that being said from a place of optimism. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't take the risk in caring and loving for someone.
We could be missing out on one of the most influential relationships that will ever exist in our life. Love isn't safe...and that's ok...because I would rather live a life with no regrets.
I want to be known because I gave. Instead of being so afraid to give that I never knew real love to the fullest.
Whoever you are...fear has no place..PERFECT LOVE (comes with risk) replaces and 'casts' out all fear.
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of running away from something that I actually need. I only wish I could apologize to all those I'm sure I pushed away...
Jesus gave and loved to the fullest. He did that for us...because He believed there was no risk in loving you and I that wasn't worth dying for.
Breathe that thought in...
you are loved.
xx
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