She has long black hair woven into braids; I'm sure, to cover up the fact that the opportunity to wash her hair only comes every few months...still, she was beautiful. I've seen her several times coming off the subway on Union Square whilst hurrying on to another on my way to work....
She never begs for money...EVER. She just sits in her spot and waits...for what, I'm not entirely sure. My guess would be HOPE...some sort of sign that her life was not a mistake, and that whatever put her where she is now does not define her.
She was on her way in the same direction I was...taking the L train-Brooklyn bound. She sat down near the elevators (made available for those who need them as an alternative to the billions of stairs that you'd have to climb to get out of underground). She had this big beautiful chocolate brown lab with her...a female lab that had the same calm demeanor that her owner so gently exhibited. The girl also held tightly underneath her jacket, a puppy...I kept trying to figure out what breed that one was.
As I stood waiting for the train, my heart kept beating faster and harder...I knew that I needed to talk to her. All day she waits...for HOPE, for SOMETHING...and NO ONE talks to her (or that I've ever seen before)...I tried to think of what to say. I felt like hours between my decision to talk to her and my actual step towards doing so....It's not that I don't know how to say hello, but rather that I didn't want her to feel like a "charity case." I wanted her to know that I actually cared for her. The crazy thing is that everyone else simply starred at her and kept walking....It wasn't until one person talked to her, that others started doing the same...It's sad, really....we are all spectators most of the time.
With hesitation I asked, "Can I pet your dog?...she's so beautiful.."
"yes." she replied, with an obvious hesitation.
"What's her name??" I continued....and she told me.
She continued, and I listened... "This is my boyfriend's puppy....he's in the hospital."
"I'm very sorry to hear that, is he going to be alright?" I asked
"Yeah, he has pneumonia..." She said it like it was the most normal thing that happened in their lives. It probably was.
Then the train came and we both got on. She took a seat on the floor of the train, and held both of her dogs so close to her as if they were the only thing she had...also probably true. She then put her head down as if shame was the only other companion that she'd ever known. I kept starring at her, still unsure of what to do next. Every part of my unreasonable self wanted to take her into my home and let her live with me....I didn't want to listen to the other part of my self (the reasonable part).
Right in that moment, another homeless young man began a speech on the train about how he needed money and had no family and had no job, food, etc. He did this like it had become his job, and he was good at it. She looked up at him and then quickly looked back down. I kept thinking, "she doesn't beg..."
All I wanted to do was help her, but I really wasn't sure what to do...I kept praying and asking the holy spirit to help me to help her more. A million and one thoughts flooded my head...but all I wanted was to do what Jesus would have done...and in this moment, I'm still not sure what that would have been.
I'm sure it's easy to read this and have an immediate answer to remedy her situation, but I have this feeling that she was comfortable with her life. She had made it this far, and I wanted to approach it in a way that didn't seem like I was putting her down, or that I was better than her...because honestly - I'm not.
I still think about her, and pray about her so much....that really isn't enough to ease my heartache for her though. She deserves to be loved unconditionally, and to experience that real love. So what if she is never rich (in wealth)...I want her to know the richness of Christ's love for her.
I hope that I see her again, and even more..I hope I can get my brain and heart together enough to do the right thing by her (whatever that is...). Who knows, maybe all that God had for me to do was to talk to her; if even for a short moment....
I still think it's not enough....my heart still aches for her.
I go from one extreme to the other every single day. I go to work for a company that I am proud to say that I work for...no doubt. However, I deal with people that have more money than I ever will...and spend it like it doesn't matter. Additionally; five minutes after I leave work, I'm bombarded by the reality of need everywhere...and it breaks me everyday.
How do I deal with this?? I'm actually not sure....But I know that God is faithful, and If it breaks my heart....I cannot even imagine what it does for HIM. But He sees HOPE at the very same time. He sees you and I stepping up to do something about it.
THAT IS REALITY IN THE EYES OF THE LORD....
So if you're ever bored and looking for something to do...just walk outside....
xx
Wow Nat..
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