ENOUGH.

Tonight...my heart is heavy.  

For many reasons...all of which stem from this one thought in my head... "AM I EVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH?"

I don't know every single female in the whole world, but I'm positive that I'm not the only girl that has ever asked this question of herself.

Or how about these questions...?

Should I dress more like this or that?
Should I wear more makeup?
Should I wear less makeup?
Is it because I am not rich?
Is it because of my past?
Should I be more quiet?
Should I be more loud...outgoing?
Am I too boring?
Am I obnoxious?
Am I not pretty enough?
Am I worthy of waiting for?
Should I settle?
Should I lower my standards?
Am I skinny enough?
Am I tall enough?
Am I too tall?
Am I fun?
AM I ENOUGH?

SOUND FAMILIAR?????

Darlings.  You need to know something...WE need to know something...as in, KNOW IT...That we are most definitely enough for someone.  JESUS.

We can so easily allow the media to dictate how we view ourselves...and we mustn't let it.  WE ARE ABOVE THAT.  We are enough. So go ahead and get those fun, chick magazines and allow your creativity to be stirred as you look at the gorgeous photos...and soak up the fun fashion.  BUT as soon as your mind begins to wander into the land of "am I enough?"...I think it'd be a good time to put that magazine down/shut your computer off...and Pick up your sword.  ALSO known as the word of GOD.

Remind yourself of what He says about you.  Never forget that the VERY CREATOR Himself looks at  you, and He looks at me...He doesn't see one single flaw.  He sees perfection.

READ Psalm 139...THE WHOLE THING.  Read it again.  And again, and again. Until you GET IT. Until you really understand that you are wonderfully made.

I have wondered too many times in my life...if I was ever going to be enough for any guy.  More recently, this is the case.  It is amazing what a broken heart can "vomit up"... and how I thought I had dealt with certain beliefs about myself years ago...beliefs about my future.

So here I am UPROOTING a belief that has produced more ugly fruit that I'd like to admit.  There have been WAY too many sleepless nights...and tears in response to my realization of this.  Now, I could be discouraged if I let myself...but the TRUTH is, I'm on my way to FREEDOM.

I'm nearly there.  NEARLY.  I know that because - just like a wound healing looks ugliest before it goes away...so is this.

RETRAIN THE MIND.

RENEW THE MIND.

That's what i'm doing.  That's what I'm going to do for the REST of my life...because I know that there will be more incorrect beliefs in my life that I will need to uproot.  I'm up for growth...I'm up for doing whatever it takes to be more free.

Ultimately, our freedom is so that others may know the same kind of freedom we have been given.

Imagine a world where people were free from wondering if they were ENOUGH...what would that even look like?!

So, If you've ever asked yourself this question...especially recently...let me remind you of how much you are better off BEING YOURSELF than you are being anyone else.  Plus, there really isn't anything more attractive than when people are being themselves.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.  I AM ENOUGH.  WE ARE ENOUGH.

Don't strive in wondering if you are...JUST BE YOU.

You are loved...

xoxo

A "Costly" Journey..

It costs a lot to walk in freedom...but yet MY FREEDOM was paid for...and it was given freely.


There isn't a day that goes by that I don't fight for my freedom in one or more areas of my life...


Freedom from what I fear
Freedom from intimidation
Freedom to be myself
Freedom to not care about what others think of me
Freedom to do what I was called to do...and not live another person's life
Freedom to LET someone win me over, instead of settling for the wrong relationship..(GEES LOUISE!)
Freedom to look in the mirror and KNOW I'm beautiful
Freedom to draw out the best in others and not be threatened by their strengths over mine
Freedom to not live in the "boxes" I've built according to what I think life should look like
Freedom to step out and do what I've never done
Freedom to allow others to be free around me.....


Jesus paid for my freedom.  He paid for OUR freedom...and there isn't a day that goes by that I am reminded of that simple truth.  Albert Einstein said it perfectly..."Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom."  Not that we should LABOR to walk in freedom, but that we should effortlessly walk with intentional purpose to be free in everything. 


Paul said it much better in Galatians 5:1 - "So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law." (NLT) 


I am convinced more than ever that my LIFE word is FREEDOM.  I want to LIVE it, breath it, believe it, walk in it, serve in it, work in it, DRINK it, and ultimately show it to others.  The only tattoo I've ever wanted is to put the word "freedom" on my wrist as a reminder that I don't have to put back on the same chains that have bound me for so long.  If Christ has truly set me free, why would I put on the same chains he broke off of me...because I'm comfortable wearing them?? Maybe because I've known it for such a long time, that wearing the chains feels normal??


Whatever the reason was for me staying "chained up" until now...is irrelevant.  Someone told me recently that a homeless man/woman doesn't think about anything other than the "NOW."  He or she doesn't think about what they did wrong in the years prior, that led them to being homeless...and they definitely don't think about what they are doing a week from now.  The one thought that keeps him or her living each day, is the NOW.  There is so much wisdom in that. 


Of course I want to dream about the future...and of course I believe in planning.  But what I want to do really well, is live in the NOW - to the best of my ability.  I don't want to live in the past...or even worse...I don't want to live desiring something in the future that isn't for me.  


I figure...the least I could do in return...for my Savior who gave EVERYTHING for me to live in Freedom...is to ACTUALLY WALK IN FREEDOM.   The least I could do is accept the free gift HE gave.  


FREEDOM IS A COSTLY journey...it sets you apart...


Freedom doesn't relate to gossip
Freedom doesn't feed insecurity
Freedom rejoices in other's successes - especially your close friends
Freedom sees the potential in the things that have never been done
Freedom doesn't understand racism or hatred toward others
Freedom knows patience reaps the best kind of harvest
Freedom doesn't get caught up in other's opinions because it knows the TRUTH
Freedom only wants to be itself.....


Freedom is a COSTLY journey...one that Jesus already paid for me.  


You are loved...
xx

The Insecure City becomes the City of light.

This is where I live....New York City...one of the most insanely assiduous places I've ever see in my entire life.  Every ONE person here has a direct intention: to survive and make money...and it appears that people will do whatever it takes to attain that end.  This is a city where success is painted completely different from one person to the next...success is defined in the eyes of every passing stranger.  

I remember when I first moved here, I didn't understand how so many people could live in one place, and yet seem so distant from one another.  The strange thing is most people assume that everyone else is "busy"...when actually, I think we all assume everyone is "busy"...but the darkness that drives the daily-routine-between-work-and-home is "insecurity." It intertwines itself within the affairs of even the most successful business man who runs the potential-self-destructive-life of wall street.  Insecurity mingles with the elite society model and promises that it will bring more comfort than the confidence he or she once knew before fame.  Insecurity presents its ugly-lying-self on the subway when a young single mother wearing 10 year old shoes and clothing glances over at the seemingly-put-together-supermodel who displays designer clothing.  Insecurity glares its spotlight upon the man who is too afraid to do anything about the horrible scene happening right in front of him...all the while, a homeless man is being beat up - simply because "he isn't good enough for the rest of us."  Insecurity puts its best foot forward when the young waitress (who doesn't know how her bills will be paid) accidentally spills the tray of water all over a customer in a restaurant, and that customer (out of embarrassment) lashes out in anger at the waitress - just loud enough so the whole street can hear.

Insecurity is running ramped in this city...and what is even more ridiculous...that we allow it to roam free, and take over our every day.

About 3 months ago; I was walking to work, so completely overwhelmed by the fact that I could not find solace anywhere.  I was frustrated because I felt like I was never going to survive and keep my sanity in a place like this.  While I was walking down one of the busiest streets in Manhattan, I cried out to God.  "Father, is there peace ANYWHERE in this city?!"

It wasn't even a few seconds later when COMPLETE SILENCE fell upon that street - Park Avenue... Interesting enough, there were still cars and people passing by...but there was silence.  Stillness.  Peace.

I heard a kind, gentle voice....one that I know well..."I am EVERYWHERE you want me to be...."

Then noise and chaos returned.  Only, when it returned - I wasn't overwhelmed....but refreshed from one split-second-reminder of the fact that God, the God of peace - can be anywhere.  We take Him with us.

The subways are filled with people who NEVER once glance at anyone on the subway.  People get on and get off the subway without even knowing that someone has NOTICED them.  How incredibly sad.  It's sad to know that we can be so insecure that we don't even look at people in the eye.

As much as I love music in my ears at all times, I decided 3 months ago that I wouldn't listen to music on the train.  I know that if I do, I will get lost in the music and not pay any attention to those around me - my own issue...but still a problem. :) Instead, I spend the whole subway ride (except for the days when I'm falling asleep, ha!) looking around at people - not in a psycho-stalker-kinda-way, but in a "just so you know, you matter" kinda way.  I make it a point to look at least 5 people in the eye and smile.

Is it uncomfortable?? ABSOLUTELY! Mainly, because people always assume that you have a reason for doing so (like another motive, or that you're hitting on them). Oh well...let them think whatever they want.

I will always wonder what Jesus would do if he were living in NYC...I'll wonder that for years to come, I'm sure.  I will continue to try and do my best to imagine and mirror what he would do.  I know I'll make some mistakes along the way...

New York City has been named many things: The lonely city, the big apple, The city that never sleeps, and the insecure city...I read one today : "The City of Light" - I think we can all agree that this one is by far the best.

NYC=THE CITY OF LIGHT.

xx you are loved.

A beautiful girl, a big dog, and a puppy.

She has long black hair woven into braids; I'm sure, to cover up the fact that the opportunity to wash her hair only comes every few months...still, she was beautiful.  I've seen her several times coming off the subway on Union Square whilst hurrying on to another on my way to work....

She never begs for money...EVER.  She just sits in her spot and waits...for what, I'm not entirely sure.  My guess would be HOPE...some sort of sign that her life was not a mistake, and that whatever put her where she is now does not define her.

She was on her way in the same direction I was...taking the L train-Brooklyn bound.  She sat down near the elevators (made available for those who need them as an alternative to the billions of stairs that you'd have to climb to get out of underground).  She had this big beautiful chocolate brown lab with her...a female lab that had the same calm demeanor that her owner so gently exhibited.  The girl also held tightly underneath her jacket, a puppy...I kept trying to figure out what breed that one was.

As I stood waiting for the train, my heart kept beating faster and harder...I knew that I needed to talk to her.  All day she waits...for HOPE, for SOMETHING...and NO ONE talks to her (or that I've ever seen before)...I tried to think of what to say.  I felt like hours between my decision to talk to her and my actual step towards doing so....It's not that I don't know how to say hello, but rather that I didn't want her to feel like a "charity case."  I wanted her to know that I actually cared for her.  The crazy thing is that everyone else simply starred at her and kept walking....It wasn't until one person talked to her, that others started doing the same...It's sad, really....we are all spectators most of the time.


With hesitation I asked, "Can I pet your dog?...she's so beautiful.."

"yes." she replied, with an obvious hesitation.

"What's her name??" I continued....and she told me.

She continued, and I listened... "This is my boyfriend's puppy....he's in the hospital."

"I'm very sorry to hear that, is he going to be alright?" I asked

"Yeah, he has pneumonia..." She said it like it was the most normal thing that happened in their lives.  It probably was.

Then the train came and we both got on. She took a seat on the floor of the train, and held both of her dogs so close to her as if they were the only thing she had...also probably true.  She then put her head down as if shame was the only other companion that she'd ever known.  I kept starring at her, still unsure of what to do next.  Every part of my unreasonable self wanted to take her into my home and let her live with me....I didn't want to listen to the other part of my self (the reasonable part).

Right in that moment, another homeless young man began a speech on the train about how he needed money and had no family and had no job, food, etc.  He did this like it had become his job, and he was good at it.  She looked up at him and then quickly looked back down.  I kept thinking, "she doesn't beg..."

All I wanted to do was help her, but I really wasn't sure what to do...I kept praying and asking the holy spirit to help me to help her more.  A million and one thoughts flooded my head...but all I wanted was to do what Jesus would have done...and in this moment, I'm still not sure what that would have been.

I'm sure it's easy to read this and have an immediate answer to remedy her situation, but I have this feeling that she was comfortable with her life.  She had made it this far, and I wanted to approach it in a way that didn't seem like I was putting her down, or that I was better than her...because honestly - I'm not.

I still think about her, and pray about her so much....that really isn't enough to ease my heartache for her though.  She deserves to be loved unconditionally, and to experience that real love.  So what if she is never rich (in wealth)...I want her to know the richness of Christ's love for her.

I hope that I see her again, and even more..I hope I can get my brain and heart together enough to do the right thing by her (whatever that is...). Who knows, maybe all that God had for me to do was to talk to her; if even for a short moment....

I still think it's not enough....my heart still aches for her.

I go from one extreme to the other every single day.  I go to work for a company that I am proud to say that I work for...no doubt.  However, I deal with people that have more money than I ever will...and spend it like it doesn't matter.  Additionally; five minutes after I leave work, I'm bombarded by the reality of need everywhere...and it breaks me everyday.

How do I deal with this?? I'm actually not sure....But I know that God is faithful, and If it breaks my heart....I cannot even imagine what it does for HIM.  But He sees HOPE at the very same time.  He sees you and I stepping up to do something about it.

THAT IS REALITY IN THE EYES OF THE LORD....

So if you're ever bored and looking for something to do...just walk outside....

xx

Last night, and the night before...

Last night, I spent the night with a true general for God...a friend of mine, and a true GEM!  We were up late dreaming, and imagining about what God can and will do (far and above our imagination) in this city...I laid in bed just wired with excitement.  All at once, I felt so many emotions invade my heart and spirit...the most confronting was this thought.."I'm so tired of being afraid of being me...and being totally abandoned to Christ...I'm tired of being afraid of other's opinions of my motives...I'm tired of wasting time on these silly things."

I'm convinced that we will never change a habit until we get completely fed up with it...bottom line, we can talk all we want to about eating better or exercising, but we won't until we get tired of how we feel without doing so.  This sort of confrontation is the most painful, yet the most welcomed kind...because it usually means that I'm less of a "baby" in one area...that I'm now eating the "grown-up" food...hopefully that makes sense??

As I laid there dwelling on that thought, I began to talk to God (and remind Him...as if He needs reminding??) about all the times I said I was gonna put the "past" behind me...and grow up in this particular area.  True...that life is about continually growing up...Phil. 1:3...enough said on that...

The truth is...I am very tired.  So incredibly tired of being timid, and shy, and feeling unworthy to do anything for HIM...so exhausted in my striving....so tired of it.  I'm at the point that the mere thought of how much time I've wasted reveling in my insecurity..makes me a little sick (in the best way)...I'm tired of the enemy feeding a stupid lie.  Just plain tired...ha! (enough of the "tired" word).

On the train last night, Katie and I witnessed a very disturbing moment..and we both thought that we would were going to get punched last night...as in, we really felt like it was coming...but God protected us. (side note: I do not live in a dangerous place...I seriously don't..just rare moments like these happen) And honestly, it's all good...but the point is...am I ready for that??? What will my reaction to that be??? Am I prepared to give everything (my pride, my soul, my passion, my flesh) to the gospel?? It is a huge question that I'm afraid we tend to answer with an all-too-quick response of "yes of course..." without truly understanding the repercussions associated with that response.

I want to WANT GOD so much more than I already do...and I know that I don't want Him enough....I know it....but I'm desperate for this to change....

He has been speaking to me...showing me so much about my selfishness, yet showing me His love and compassion all over again...last night, the night before, and the night before that are all examples of this...I hope it continues...

Remind others of His unfailing love towards them...everyone is loved by HIM...xx

What if...

To continue on with my last post...I was imagining a thought today (if that is possible to do??)...this thought-was, I believe-God inspired...because that is what my Father God does...inspire change for the better...

So here's the thought....

What if we were obedient to where God was leading us...WITHOUT any motive whatsoever.  What if we were obedient simply because we want to be obedient and not for any other applause???.....

Christ said that if you do good in front of others...that is all of your reward.  There is no other reward that you will receive.  But...if you are obedient and faithful when NO one sees...your reward is far greater than you can imagine.  Your reward is in heaven.  IN HEAVEN!!!

If I were to be completely honest...and usually I am :)...I would say that I can only remember one occasion in which I had no other motive...NONE.  In all of the rest...my intentions were right, pure, etc...but deep down, I was always hoping for more- opportunity...whatever.  Of course, I didn't mean to want more than what I had...but I did.  And I think that if we were all honest with ourselves...more importantly...with God...I'm sure I would not be the only one.

Building the Church cannot be about anything more than building the church.  It cannot be about what I want...or what I can get out of it....there is no room for that kinda crap!

Teach me Lord, to be pure of heart again...no pretenses...just real, raw, passion for you....

Cheers to the New Year!!

What I do not know... but what I'm excited about...

I have no idea what this next year is going to present in the way of opportunity, relationships, and perhaps a new job---oh soon please!... I think that there is an inner peace in not knowing what everything is going to look like. I'm confident that this is exactly how the disciples lived. Funny enough, I'm sure they thought they knew everything, just like you and I, but deep down- they knew nothing except for that Jesus was real...and they were learning that He would soon become the Savior.

Throughout our lives, we have big expectations about the things we do and have, which is perhaps assumed.  However, if "the expectation" becomes more important than what God originally intended for us to live...then we have most definitely missed something somewhere. We have all stepped into a new season, job, relationship, or opportunity with an expectation in mind of what we will be doing or not doing; we get excited about an idea that we made up...one that never included the Lord at all. I don't know about you, but that sort of scares me. I never want my ambitions to supersede in importance to what I know God believes is better for me.

On the flip side, we should expect the best in every area of our life...isn't this what the Lord teaches us-that He wants to shower down his blessings on us. A life with Christ is always better...but it is not necessarily easier..right? Right.  Heretofore, I have absolutely NO regrets about following Christ, nor do I regret the difficulties that attached themselves as soon as I chose to follow HIM.  I know I have never been alone. Christ continues to lavish His grace and mercy on my life....ever grateful. 

Additionally...I have this absolute obsession with music. Growing up, the only thing I ever wanted to do didn't require fame or fortune (in the eyes of man)...and now I'm coming back to the same “love” that I once had for music. Only now, this obsession has become more God-driven...more or less...an imperative tool that I believe everyone can benefit from. In the previous months, I had the most humbling opportunities to bring healing and love through music – something I will forever be grateful for. The strangest thing is that I had opportunities like this...but in my younger youth, I took them for granted.  

A week ago, I left an opportunity that I believe was beyond what I could have imagined...It was hard work and inspired more toiling – spiritually, than anything I have ever experienced until now. So I'm wondering...will I ever have that experience or opportunity again?...............

The answer....NO. I actually hope that I don't. Not because it wasn't incredible...but because I hope that I continue to move on in where and what God leads me to do.

I remember when I was about to leave Sydney, I sat down with one of my mentors and began to share how I was feeling about leaving. At that time, my plan was to go back to Sydney four months later. I said to her, “I'm so afraid that when I leave and come back, things will never be the same...I'm in a place (opportunity-wise) that I love...what if it doesn't look the same?” To which she replied so eloquently, “It won't look the same...it won't be the same.”

When the “new” comes – I'm ready...things won't look the same, and they definitely won't feel the same. I'm ready...I'm not here to do anything other then to build the church in New York City. That's it. No pretenses, no other ambitions...forgetting what I have done, and what other opportunities I have been given prior to now...this is it. 

I'm convinced that when we keep God at the center of every season or opportunity – God will honor ALL that we put our hands to do....

Cheers to a faith-filled-overflowing-with-love-joy-peace-grace-filled New Year....

You are loved...

xx     

A Love Letter...

Just thought a few of you might need a reminder of the SIMPLE things in life...Not JUST because this week is Thanksgiving...but because our thankfulness should be overflowing...always...in the midst of life...in the midst of pain...in the midst of heartache...in the midst of joy and blessing.  Thankfulness is always due...to the ONE who gives us each day...a day that is NEVER guaranteed to us.

Today I am thankful for........


The breath I breathe
This day I got to spend loving on people
My parents who have unconditionally loved me...
My brother Justin...for teaching me what REAL LOVE is...
My brother Seth...for showing me just how beautiful music can be...
My friends who change the world -for good- everyday
Music..written, sung, heard, and music that heals...
The cool weather...
Lake Jackson....Dallas....Sydney...San Marcos...San Angelo...and soon...New York
God's grace every Sunday morning....Lord knows I need it.
God's grace every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday
The children I see everyday
The amazing leaders I get to work with
The people who have spoken into my life up until this point in my life
The gym...on most days =)
The mistakes I've made....I wouldn't have learned without them.
My broken heart moments..
The long-never-ending-laughs that make me cry...
The movies that inspire me to do something with my life...
The jobs that have kicked my butt...
Football season...
Baseball season...
Dogs...Man's best friend...FOR REAL...(Scooter was the best dog ever)
Lonely days...cause it left just me and Jesus...
Rain after a bad day...
Sunshine and waves...
Not being able to understand how/when/why waves move...I love that they are so much bigger than me...
Entertaining angels...I'm sure it has happened.
Sleepless nights...
BIG DREAMS...Too many to keep up with...
The things that scare me...(the good things that scare me)...
The things that challenge me...
The things that require FAITH...BIG faith...
A car to drive...
Food to eat...
Clothing to wear...
A good harmony between a male and female voice...
Phil Keaggy...Keith Green...
Chris and Lisa Frith...Brian and Bobbie Houston...Craig and Sandy Taylor...Alan and Elaine Anglin...Lydia Newcomb...Joel and Julia A'Bell...Judah Smith...(I honestly could go on and on...)...
Sunsets and sunrises...
Beaches...EVERY SINGLE ONE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD...
The A21 campaign...
The word of God...
Freedom...
My Salvation.........
Peace...
Joy...
Love....
Healing....
Life...
Jesus....
Holy Spirit...
The Father...MY FATHER GOD...Daddy....sooooo faithful...

My heart is full...my heart is very full...this is the thankfulness that I should be living everyday. Learning to....trying to remember all that HE has done and will continue to do for me. WOW...

The Mountains Taught Me Everything

If it were possible to dedicate a blog to someone in the Heavens I would; I would dedicate it to my Savior...my first love. How patient, caring, kind, generous, good, life-giving, joy-restoring....He has been to me. Grateful would be such a mediocre word to describe how I feel towards Him, but unfortunately, I can not find a more sufficient word at the moment. So, grateful it shall be! I think ultimately HE knows my heart...HOW AMAZING!!

Not even 5 minutes ago, the Holy Spirit reminded me of a scripture: PSALM 61:2 - (NIV)

 "From the ends of the earth I call to you,
  I call as my heart grows faint; 
  lead me to the rock that is higher than I." 

Now let me show you the same verse(plus more) in the Message version:

God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer. 
   When I'm far from anywhere, 
      down to my last gasp, 
   I call out, "Guide me 
      up High Rock Mountain!" 

 You've always given me breathing room, 
      a place to get away from it all, 
   A lifetime pass to your safe-house, 
      an open invitation as your guest. 
   You've always taken me seriously, God, 
      made me welcome among those who know and love you.


I remember being taught that we should rejoice in the Lord even in our sorrow-filled season, just as much as we do in our mountaintop-filled season; I completely agree, because the Lord deserves our praise always. But one thing I noticed about myself, is that I have only learned how to praise God in sorrow-filled seasons BECAUSE I learned to praise Him when I felt like I was on top of the mountain. Perplexing as it may seem, it is possible to be on the mountaintop WHILE you are actually in the VALLEY....

I am not sure I can really explain that beyond the fact that I know what I mean. I believe God is a safe place to run to in battle, in distress, in fear, in overwhelming circumstances, in debt, in sickness, in failures...


God is that high mountain the scriptures speak of...it is the place where I have learnt how to trust, and lean upon Him. It is the place where I learned how to rejoice in EVERY season. 


The mountains have taught me everything...


His love is a banner over you,

xx

Just the Way You Are....BEAUTIFUL

Women are beautiful; each uniquely given characteristics that the another does not have; and each display the beauty of our Creator. Not one woman is a mistake.

Contrary to what the media is teaching our woman; and even worse, our young girls, we are ALL beautiful...and not just on the inside. Unfortunately, there has always been a "standard" set; it is the "standard" of what women should look like, and every other woman who doesn't look like that "standard," needs to change. WHO MADE THE STANDARD THE STANDARD? Really...I want to know; because I remember a time, when "hearty" looking women, were more attractive than skinny-weightless women. Not that there is anything wrong with being skinny...

Last week, I spent time sharing with a friend of mine some of the thoughts that I had been having recently...knowing they were silly, and undoubtedly, untrue...but I needed to say them, nonetheless. 


I told her how much I had been struggling with how I saw myself; and how more often then not, as of recently, I had been viewing myself as unattractive, ugly, not thin enough, not fit enough...and the list continued. She stood there listening as I went on to explain how I knew that those things weren't true about me, but how the thoughts had been taking too much of my time...I knew I was wrong; but I didn't "feel" like it.


What is even more ridiculous, is the number of times in my life, that I have been consumed by thoughts like this; but I know I'm not alone. I know that there are thousands of women out there, who are so consumed by their "imperfections."  


I have seen woman robbed of their belief in themselves, more than I can even tell you. I breaks my heart, because I have never seen a woman, that I didn't believe was beautiful; I truly mean that. 


Here is the crazy part. My friend began to share with me how she had been feeling the same way. I remember standing there thinking, "Oh my goodness, you're perfect though," and thinking that having her figure, would be so much easier. Ha...how completely naive and silly! No matter how stunning I thought she was, she still dealt with the same thoughts I did.


We, as women, desire one major thing; to feel beautiful. Notice I didn't say LOOK beautiful. We are hilariously confusing to any male, who would most likely, never see a difference in our appearance from day to day. Whereas, you and I, would notice that our face looked "bigger"  today than yesterday, or that our butt looked too big/flat/small, or our face looked to pale, etc, etc...blah blah. 


It's completely ludicrous what we obsess over! But it still matters to us, because we want to feel beautiful; and even more, to be desired. The days that we feel beautiful, we tend to walk a little taller, speak louder, laugh more, smile more, and confidently approach our day. But the woman who KNOWS she is beautiful,  will make a decision in spite of how she "feels;" and she'll decide everyday, that she IS beautiful. She will DECLARE it, if she needs to.  


I've told the following story so many times, but I love it....


Back in Sydney, I attended a connect group with about 10 other girls my age.  On this one particular night, the leader asked us when we felt the most beautiful. As all the girls took their turn around the circle to answer the question, most of the answers had to do with wearing a dress, or wearing makeup, or exercise, or spending time with their boyfriend. 


When the question reached a friend of mine named Katie, she answered with this, "I feel the most beautiful, when I am in the presence of God; when I am spending time with Him." 


We were speechless, mainly because we couldn't think of a better answer. There is nothing else on the planet that has ever made us feel more beautiful than spending time with our Creator God. We all agreed, and then just sat there pondering the thought of how much we feel both accepted and loved more than ever when we are spending time with Him. There is no one that will ever exist on the earth that will NEVER get tired of hearing our voice, never get tired of loving us, and NEVER get tired of spending time with us...except for God. He'd spend every moment of the day with us, if we would let Him. 


It's so sad to me when I walk up into a conversation and the women are just bad-mouthing themselves and feeding off of each other's "self-fault-finding." It is so unhealthy, and you walk away from those conversations feeling worse about yourself. Come on GIRLS, we are better than this!


Anyhow, I thought it'd be real great if we held each other accountable; you know, being our sister's keeper. (Don't think about the movie, you'll just cry). We need to allow time for each other to vent out how we feel, but we also need to know when to quit, and to look upward and to what the word of God says about us. We are not a mistake, or one big flaw. We are FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. =) 


Psalm 139:13-16 (message) "Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; 

      you formed me in my mother's womb. 

   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! 

      Body and soul, I am marvelously made! "

I have heard that a woman who is confident, is more attractive. I used to think it was the other way around; it's not. A woman who believes in herself will stand out and her smile will be radiant.  

I'm not the biggest fan of my smile, for many reasons, but I love to laugh; I figure something's got to give in my dilemma. I figure, am more attractive when I am smiling and enjoying life than when I am obsessing over my "seemingly-obvious" flaws. Not to mention, it's a big FAT waste of my time. 

I'm loving Bruno Mars' song "Just the Way you Are" so much right now! (Thought I'd share it with you) And the lyrics...nothing too profound...but they are just right.  Girls, if you don't have guy right now who thinks this way about you, you will one day...don't settle for someone who thinks you should look differently than you do...  You're beautiful just the way you are. 

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for 

Then just stay the same

The Welcomed "Melodramatic-ness"...

Today; or rather, THIS WEEK, has been one of those weeks, where I'm almost positive, that each and every possible challenge that could come my way, has gladly catapulted (unannounced), into my life.  Even more, I feel as though, these challenges have literally slapped me across the face. It's almost as if, they were trying to remind me that they existed.  Believe me, Mr. Challenge, I know you still exist!!! (O.K. I know I'm bordering 'nerd-i-ness' for acknowledging my frustration with a verb and not a noun).

In fact, I feel a little silly for even feeling challenged by what is challenging me.  Horrible confrontations with people I lead, overwhelming responsibilities and my desire to be elsewhere...these are silly things to be consumed with, I know.  Perhaps by the end of this wee-little message, I'll be just fine and dandy. :)

Ohhhhh BLESS those confrontational situations...you gotta know that the Lord wants you to handle them better if everything in you, wants to avoid them. Ha! I don't know many people who actually ENJOY the confrontation; even if it is with a good friend. But, in any type of family - whether it be Church, work, home, etc, we've got to face them...and we've got to do it well.

Everything we do, involves people. It involves their heart, feelings, concerns, dreams, preconceived ideas of how it should/could be, their hurts, and their deepest desires for the things, that only they can understand.  When you work with people, you've got to expect that feelings will flare up, defenses will shoot up like "jack and the bean stalk" all the sudden, and that you may not even know how it all happened. But nonetheless, people matter...far more, than we give them credit for!

I think this is going to become my daily prayer; one that I hope, never becomes monotonous in it's meaning...

Lord, please show me how to have 'thick' skin; to not take things too personal. After all, most situations aren't about me. Give me your eyes, and your ears to hear and see your children, the way that you do. Help me to give them a chance, when they speak out of anger. Help me Lord to be more like you. Help me to see where I went wrong, and how I could have loved and respected that person better.  I know how much I need you EVERY SINGLE DAY...so Lord, please help me to remember that. I pray that they would know how much you love them, and how much they are valued, through the way that I listen to them. May I always, always be slow to speak, and quick to listen.  It is because of your grace, and your compassion on me, that you listen and love like you do. I haven't earned what you give me.  So freely, I have received your grace, now Lord help me to freely give it.  Amen.

I got to thinking about another 'little' something the other day.  Ever so often, I get overwhelmed by how many areas in my life I need to work on.  I get to feeling like I'm doing 'not so bad,' and then all the sudden, BAM! I've got like a million areas I'm not doing so good in. The Holy Spirit reminded me of something the other day that He showed me ages ago. He reminded me that if I didn't notice those areas in my life that I needed to work on, I wouldn't be listening to Him. And because I am listening to Him, and wanting to change, I am becoming (as slow as it may be :) more like Jesus.  What a patient God that I get to serve!

Do I always react the way I should in every situation? NO WAY...but I'm learning. If I will see each time I mistreat someone, or that I can have the capacity to be teachable if/when I do, that I am obedient enough to humble myself, and make it right; straight away, not years down the road.  Obedience is humility at it's finest!

So I guess, the challenge really is, to always love one another.  That is such a huge statement to uphold and live by. I wanna at least say, at the end of my life, that I gave it everything.  The lazy person, won't try, because they feel that they are the way they are, and everyone else has to deal with it. I don't want to be that person. Lord please show me where I've been a complete idiot to someone else!

We're all on this earth to work together, and see some incredibly amazing things happen - in the name of Jesus. How can we do this, if we are allowing our pride to get in the way?

Pride, you aren't welcomed here anymore...that's what I say!

Daily, my pride is gonna be left at the cross...where it is meant to stay. Christ died for even something as 'consuming' as pride.

Father God, in my life, be lifted high....

Love to you all...xx

Distance makes the heart grow fonder...Time will tell the truth.

Rainy days always, always get me thinking more than I should.  Funnily enough, I should be working on my college work; clearly I'm not.

I like meditating on what I've been blessed with...and even the things I long to have.  Dreams-yeah...I've got plenty of those.  Needs and desires? Sure...I've got plenty of those too.  But the most beautiful thing about the wait, is the journey.  The journey is the hardest part.  It's the place where you give the most, and where you understand the least.  The questions and concerns about where you're at are endless, and seem to never get answered.

But then the day comes; the day that has been months (sometimes, years) in the making.  It's a magnificent day indeed!  It's one of those moments that you've labored over for so long. You're in awe, so you just stand there in  a sort of shock that you're where you're at in that moment.  Thankfulness is a given; of course.

.....I think we'd all agree that these glorious days are where we'd rather be; as few as they are.  'Journey' days are the more common. They are also the most despised by you and I.

How easy is it to give thanks when everything is going our way and when our dreams come true so quickly?

(I'll answer for you) ---- It's VERY easy!  

BUT thankfulness is due no matter what is happening or not happening.  There is always someone who is less fortunate than you or I.  I've heard it said that perspective is essential...I couldn't agree more.

(Here's the point I'm trying to make!!!)

Don't you remember that dream/desire that was so dear to your heart, that you labored over for so long?  Do you remember the tears/sweat that you poured out over it?  Do you remember thinking "Is this ever going to happen?"  Did you ever feel like giving up on what you thought looked impossible, and almost did?  Then, do you remember the day when 'it' all FINALLY came to pass?! Do you remember the feelings you had?

(Ha! I'd like to call this "the step-by-step process of a dream coming to pass."  It's the journey we've all been on, and will continue to go on as long as we are living.)

There's a saying that I think is correct MOST of the time. :) It says this: "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."  Some things tell the truth over time...if  you know what I mean.  You can find out if something is real or temporary just by waiting.  Sooner or later, time really will tell you.

Then there are those rare, 'you can count on one hand' moments when time has made your desire for that dream grow far more than you ever imagined.  You've prayed, cried over, worked hard to protect, and waited on God the whole way through it....and years later, it's this very pure, real, 'built on a strong foundation' kind of dream.  All that's left to do now is wait.  Hard as it may be, that 'glorious' day will come.

There's a distance between where you are right now, and where you may want to be.  There is a distance between what you have, and what you want to have (good, pure desires).  When it is a 'good' distance (the kind that proves itself over time), it is a real beautiful thing.

I've seen it so many times in those closest to me.  I've heard their deepest desires and been with them through the midnight 'break-downs' where questioning their own dream is louder than their faith in it.  I've been there myself.  I'm still there in one or more ways right now.  But I can honestly say; this distance that I feel in between the here and the future, is making my heart grow fonder.  It's quietly creating a deeper, stronger patience for the wait.  Patience is real love...(for whatever you're waiting for)...and it's much deeper than 'what you want right now."  The longer you wait - the more selfless you become.

The day you are walking in what you only once dreamed and toiled(emotionally) over,  you're also ready for it.  You've been preparing and praying for so long.  Don't despise the wait...use it, and allow your heart to grow more fond of the future.

There were so many times, I wondered "Is this for real...what I desire/dream?" And time always told me the truth about it's future in my life.

Embrace the waiting....let your heart grow fonder of what you're praying for, dreaming of, longing for.  And sooner or later, time will tell you the truth.

Lean on Jesus...you are loved by Him more than you know,

xx

Walk it out...NO WAIT...WRITE it out!

I remember playing sport in middle school and then trading in the "obvious sport" for the kind of sport that people misinterpret for 'mamby pamby' sport - Dance. Let me tell you something...It's no "MAMBY PAMBY" sport! I would challenge any man; or person for that matter to give leaps and high kicks a try for 30 seconds and tell me you're not gonna be sore for about as long as you'd be sore for getting pummeled in football.

OK...Yes, I'm passionate about dance. I digress. :)

BUT. When I played basketball, I loved  it! I really was passionate about it. And although I've never been a real big 'competition' type person (i'd rather just play for fun), I loved it. And I'd like to think at the time, I was pretty good. Obviously not WNBA worthy...maybe when I grow up? Every time I got hurt or anyone else got hurt, I'd hear the coach or some random player's over-eccentric, sports fanatic-like mom yell from the stands, "Walk it out, Walk it out...It'd be alright!"

So, we'd 'walk it out.' Even if it was just that the ball hit me in the nose. Same thing; walk it out. Because sooner or later, everything was better. I'd understand it if it were a sprang knee, ankle, or foot type incident, but it was used for EVERY injury. I loved it! Every sport I've watched lived in high school has the same common phrase yelled out somewhere in between the first half of the game, the cheerleaders dance in the middle, and the 2nd half.

The other night I'm laying in bed and all the sudden this "walk it out" thought comes to my mind and then was quickly followed by an abrupt "No...WRITE IT OUT!" I remember thinking that I needed to write so badly in that moment, but I share a room with a 2 year old and my attempt at getting up without making any noise from one room to the next would probably fail. Even though I'm naturally a very light stepper around the house when I need to be.

(Side note: I'm also the lightest sleeper you will probably ever meet. Much to my detriment.  Unfortunately it isn't hereditary so I can't blame any of my family members for an 'eyelash blink' that somehow wakes me up.)

Because I was too afraid to wake my nephew, I remained in bed; sure as I'll ever be that in the morning, I'd remember the words that I had at that exact moment. Yeah. Anyone who has a brain and who has ever made writing a hobby or a passion knows that is the decision to 'wait til the morning' is the dumbest one you can make in regards to writing. Because almost every time, you forget it - because you've slept.

I can't explain how much I believe in writing and how much it can actually make your 'darkly-dimmed day' turn into a subtle blue shade of hope; even if you don't necessarily feel it.  Once you write it, you lose the weight of it. It's as if you are taking the weight of whatever it is that is effecting you and you're putting on paper. After that point, it's not yours to carry anymore. It's your journal's job now. As weird as that may seem, it's true.

Even now, I've had such a long day. Everything right now is so beautifully graced and favored, but it is also very overwhelming because it is all very unknown. I've never done these things before, I've never seen these things before, and I've never had this much responsibility. But yet, all I can think of doing is writing. It's the only 'sane' thing to do in my head. I can't even begin any one of the 10 projects I need to work on because my mind is too full. And strange as it is, after writing this, I'll be good to go!

So my theory is this...Yes I said THEORY. I'm not trying to be 'weird' or over analyze anything here...just trying to say something that I believe with all my heart will honestly change your life if/when you begin doing it.

WRITE IT OUT! Write out your frustrations, your glories, your sadness, your joys, your failures, your triumphs, your fears, your dreams, and even write out your frustration with another person. Believe me, that's much much better than telling someone else who doesn't need to know that information. Gossip is ugly anyway, and it makes you unattractive. BUT FYI, just make sure you give that person a 'code name' so if they ever read it, you won't offend them later on when you've forgiven them for whatever silly thing happened between the two of you.

I also think that everyone can do this. No matter how many kids you have, whatever job you have, how much free-time you think you have. Write down how you feel, what you dream, what you hope...whatever! I know all kinds of people that do this. Maybe you don't have every day  to do this, but you've got once a week right? Try it. Try it for a month and tell me you don't feel better. Maybe you won't...but i'd honestly be surprised.

I love when young people come up to me with things they've written and want me to read it. It's real personal stuff; about family, or fears, or sadness, or their best friend. But I absolutely adore it! And I always let them know how proud of them that I am because it takes 'guts' to put how you feel on paper. It takes 'guts' to let someone else read it. But the more you write, the more you find satisfaction in it.

Will you write things that are horrible and probably don't have any point? Sure. At times, you'll probably write things and then later on read them and think 'what in the world was I thinking?" That's ok. We've all done it. But you learn every time you write. You learn more about yourself both in an academic way and in a personal way.

It's a real-raw-passionate-beautiful-process.

So...WRITE IT OUT! Just do it...you know you want to.

And when you've begun to write, you can then encourage someone else to write. But if you're going to write, don't write to hurt others-write to help others. I promise, if you go in with that mindset, you will most definitely help people.

We can learn so much from each other's life experiences.

Get it going...don't just sit there...really!

You are loved,
Nat

Love isn't Safe...

I heard a song the other day; then quickly followed it by attempting to find the story behind the song. I'm not sure if you know what I'm talking about when I say this but there are those songs that you love and you'll play on repeat about a dozen times ten times just because you can't get enough of it. Then there are those songs that make you wonder if you've ever written down these lyrics subconsciously and then someone else took them. Only you've never actually voiced them out loud, and to be honest, you probably weren't aware that it was even true about yourself...

I like to call these moments: Wake up calls.

Not exactly the early morning call you want when you've tried to sleep all night long or you've been out all night doing whatever, but it's needed in order to get on with your day; or in other words, your life. These moments usually happen when you least expect them to and that's is probably what I love most about them.

How gracious and compassionate of a God do we serve that He reaches us in ways like this so we can hear Him and become a greater person. Sure it's a painful moment when you realize that you've got YET another area to work on or give up (however you look at it), but it's a beautiful humbling place. Bitter sweet.

Here are the lyrics...

"Safe"

You keep tryin to get inside my head, 
While I keep trying to lose the words you said 
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread, 
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and 
Oh no, my walls are gonna break 
So close, its more than I can take 
I'm so tired of turning and running away 
When love just isn't safe  
you're not safe
I'm strong enough, I've always told myself 
I never want to need somebody else 
But I've already fallen from that hill, 
So I'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and 

Oh no, my walls are gonna break 
So close, its more than I can take 
I'm so tired of turning and running away 
When love just isn't 

Everything you want, but its everything you need 
Its not always happy endings but its happy in between 
Its taken so long, so long to finally see 
That your love is worth the risk 

Oh no, my walls are gonna break 
So close, its more than I can take 
So tired of turning and running away 
When love just isn't safe 

Your not safe 
And that's okay


I really haven't lived that long; but I've lived long enough to know that loving someone is such a risk. Just like anyone, I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, mistreated, used, and the list continues. But let's not stay on this; because, to be honest, that is life. We live in a world full of humanity; and the thing we all share is our initial default to make mistakes. (Thank God He sent His son to save us from ourselves).

And what I never really realized until recently was how much I had created 'unintentional' walls between myself and others; so afraid of so many things. Opening up to someone means that they'll know things about you that they could hold against you. It means being vulnerable and trusting all over again.

But what if something goes wrong???

There were these incredibly amazing people that I would find myself getting to know in friendship and yet there was this small part of me that was so scared to go any further in the friendship. Sadly, they remained exactly where I left them...at a distance. I have concluded many a time that I missed out by not allowing myself to get any closer.

Love is not just a word, it is an action and a lifestyle choice. It is completely selfless, completely vulnerable, completely sacrificial, completely beautiful, and completely messy in the level of risk it requires.

What if you love someone but they don't love you back? 


What if someone doesn't really like me when they get to know me? 

What if I appear too needy when I confide in them?

When I think of love, I think of Jesus. For God so LOVED the world, that he gave his only son. Everything about that beautiful sacrifice was a risk. Who's to say whether or not you or I would ever/or will ever open our hearts to Him? Our returned love was never guaranteed when He gave HIS life, and His love.

The most confronting thing about my 'wake up call' the other day is how much it closely related to how I am with God. I've spent so much time trying to hold it all together (even before God) thinking that I'd be a burden if I didn't, that I missed out on the blessing of relationship God was trying to bring to my life.

I always talk about how much we all need each other. "We were created for relationship - not just with God but also with each other." There is absolutely nothing safe about loving someone or being loved, but it is so worth the risk it requires.

BUT; the other day, I was awakened to the fact that I didn't actually believe completely in what I was 'preaching.' I mean, I absolutely loved when others would confide in me and need me for things; but I was so afraid that as soon as I needed someone for the same reasons - that others would never want to reciprocate it. What a horrible distrust I had built in people! To clarify, there are near and dear people in my life that I have completely opened up my heart to - without any reserve or disappointment in doing so. But I just allowed myself to remain safe...with everyone.

Reality is that we can't possibly trust every single person we come into contact with. But for those who have a underlying fear to trust anyone and will unintentionally hold people at a safe distance (and not realize it), please know that (along with myself) it's probably time to break down these self-made walls we have selfishly built (with good intentions:).

The more I read about Wisdom, the more I notice that wisdom doesn't build walls, but it has this caution and strength that can protect you from unnecessary pain. We can't possibly know the intentions of every person we come in contact with; and that is where godly wisdom comes into play. But what I always want to remember is how much of a risk Christ has taken with you and I.

Getting hurt in any relationship is inevitable; and that being said from a place of optimism. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't take the risk in caring and loving for someone.

We could be missing out on one of the most influential relationships that will ever exist in our life. Love isn't safe...and that's ok...because I would rather live a life with no regrets.

I want to be known because I gave. Instead of being so afraid to give that I never knew real love to the fullest.

Whoever you are...fear has no place..PERFECT LOVE (comes with risk) replaces and 'casts' out all fear.
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of running away from something that I actually need. I only wish I could apologize to all those I'm sure I pushed away...

Jesus gave and loved to the fullest. He did that for us...because He believed there was no risk in loving you and I that wasn't worth dying for.

Breathe that thought in...

you are loved.
xx

A Burning Heart

Here I am typing this at 12:49am...with this feeling of 'butterflies' in my stomach. You know that feeling you get when you like someone and you see them...yeah...that one :)

Well these butterflies are the result of something totally different...kinda. Ha...

I never expected that being obedient and leaving Sydney would result in how I feel in the present. Of course, it's usually that way. You can never see that far into the future enough to know that everything is eventually going to be better than you thought; and even more, pretty darn amazing!

Right now, I'm working at a church in San Angelo, Texas. Not that big of a city, but big enough to blink and see a need and another hurting person attached to the need. Big enough to see a beggar holding a sign with a genuine need for a job. I got to admit, this place wasn't 'in the cards' in regards to my plan, but it's become quite perfect. I work for this amazing church who have already blessed me beyond what I could have imagined.

Here's the cool part!

I've got all these ideas, dreams, BIGGG ones that are brewing (like coffee) every night when I go to bed and and continue to roast when I wake up in the morning. They NEVER stop coming! I love every minute of 'sleeplessness' when it comes.

And you know what? When God calls you somewhere whether now or in the future, people are gonna say things about why they believe you are making the decisions you're making and whether your motives are right...and I think that is a question that can only be tested between you and God. Aside from that...it's all good. Don't let other people's opinions persuade you to sway away from the seed God planted...cause all kinds of opinions will flare up - but who cares!

(don't know where that all came from!?)

ANY WAY.

Aside from leading a team of amazing worshipers every week, I also get this phenomenal opportunity to be a teacher's aide for 5th graders at a school. I always thought I'd love to teach; not sure if I ever will but at least I get to have a small taste of what it'd be like. Our church runs a school that just became a Charter school which means that it is now funded completely by the State. (a really good thing by the way!). One of the requirements that the State gives us is that we have to run an 'after school' program for the kids who's parents aren't able to pick them up until later in the evening. During this time we are actually allowed to speak about Jesus.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I GET TO HANG OUT WITH KIDS AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT JESUS!?

My heart is ablaze! Mostly with ideas for the future...but I realize now that everything starts with now. Right now, what am I doing with my life? Maybe studying online for a degree in Psychology doesn't quite make sense right now because it's definitely not what I would have picked for my life...but at least I'm moving forward.

God can only work with something that is moving. And even if you're going in an awkward direction, He'll steer it back to where it needed to be in the first place.

No regrets I say...No regrets. That's how I want to feel when I am at the end of my life.

So go ahead and allow the heart to be ablaze...let the dreams bubble up from within you and make an appearance on the surface one day. Some will, some may not. A heart that is ablaze is infectious...you draw others to you. A heart on fire is so attractive....!!!! It's addictive, and persuasive, full of love, full of ideas that aren't too scared to be shared because failure is just a word, not the end.

A burning heart may fail at something but it doesn't know how to stop because it's got to light something else to spread the fire...when one fire burns out, another fire lights it back up again. (This is where we need each other - I'm so big on this!)

Alright...now I'm just rambling. But I hope you get my drift...

It's now an hour later, and I'm still full of 'butterflies'...yeah I'm totally 'giddy'...worthily so!

In the words of one of the greatest people I know (Chris Pace) says, "Keep the fire burning."

WORD.

You are loved....xx

Unashamed "neediness"...

Weaknesses.

I've got plenty of these to go around for all of us (or whoever may be reading this). And the longer I live, the more I realize they aren't going anywhere...and in some strange way, I'm learning - that's OK. 

The amount of times in my life I have asked God "why did you call me to do this, I'm not even good at it?" is more than I can even count. Sometimes I get a simple, profound answer in reply to this false-humility-filled question, and sometimes I don't - and I think it's because I should already know the answer. When I don't get an answer, I usually will sit there for awhile contemplating how many other people could and should be doing better what I'm doing at the moment. 

The funny thing is that I remember reading (and still do) these fascinating stories in the Bible, when I was younger, of people who were called by God to do great and mighty things. These people weren't obvious choices for kings, rulers, judges, or the mother of a Savior...BUT they were. Although the bible doesn't always tell us how a person felt after they were called, they were only human. And with that comes these temporary moments of disbelief in themselves. 

Think about it: In every decision they had to make that NOT everyone believed was the right one, they had to remain strong in it. In every lonely minute they spent trying to lead numbers of people, their lives were constantly under scrutiny; while other's constantly gave their opinion of how things should go. I'm sure there were times when they too battled the thought that someone else should be doing what they were doing. And we've all heard the many times they wanted to quit because it was more than they could carry. 

But just when they couldn't carry anymore, the LORD stepped in. He took over and he won every time! He brought them through battle, temptation, mistake after mistake, and the raising of the Savior of the world. 

I've heard so many arguments about how much God does through us and how much of it is actually us....and the only thing I can conclude is that He is the very breath we breath...so how can we think that we can do anything without Him? We only think that we can because God has never ceased to exist - therefore - we have breath and life. 

This morning, on my way to lead worship at church, I prayed a prayer. I prayed that God would completely take over...a prayer I've learned to be careful praying - because He will! I yearned for a new awakening in the lives of the people and for breakthrough and refreshing. I so badly wanted them to forget about the team on stage and be drawn to the presence and love of God. I wanted something new for the people ...I really did want God to take over. 

There was this moment of complete "vulnerability" while I was worshiping after I sang the line "Give me eyes to see more of who you are..." that I completely lost it. I couldn't sing a note at all, let alone well. It took everything in me to remain composed. He had taken over...

There are only a few moments that I can recall this happening while I was meant to be leading a congregation in worship, and every time I have had to recognize that God was there and forget about the detriment of my vocal mis-happenings. After all, it is and never will be about my voice or about anyone else on the team. 

Sure, my voice is not the greatest...I've never had a problem with wanting to argue this point, but I know God is with me. He is near to me, working with me (again..so hard to comprehend) to bring other's to Him who don't know about His love. 

I could make a list of my weaknesses and probably get them all right...after all, I am my biggest critique :) But I find this hope and strength in knowing that His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses.

So I'll keep going on with life, working on the very thing God has called me to do. I'll keep taking lessons to better my voice or whatever (because God and people deserve our best), but at the end of the day, if I allow - He will take over. 

I can't get over this thought ...I kept saying out loud in my car as I was driving... "God, I really can't do this life without you...I really can't. Please don't let me think that I can." As I'm writing this, I'm fighting back tears because I know that I may forget my need for Him. But I know It's alright...He'll remind me all over again :).

Be encouraged by His grace in your life...it is for the impossible situations. His grace is for the unlikely leaders (such as myself)...It is for the "unqualified," the "unschooled," the "vulnerable," the "over-worked," the "unappreciated," and whatever else you've ever thought about yourself. 

He is for YOU. He is WITH you. He has CALLED you. 

Is God CRAZY, You ask...??

Of course He is...He is crazy about YOU.

You are loved...xx