Unashamed "neediness"...

Weaknesses.

I've got plenty of these to go around for all of us (or whoever may be reading this). And the longer I live, the more I realize they aren't going anywhere...and in some strange way, I'm learning - that's OK. 

The amount of times in my life I have asked God "why did you call me to do this, I'm not even good at it?" is more than I can even count. Sometimes I get a simple, profound answer in reply to this false-humility-filled question, and sometimes I don't - and I think it's because I should already know the answer. When I don't get an answer, I usually will sit there for awhile contemplating how many other people could and should be doing better what I'm doing at the moment. 

The funny thing is that I remember reading (and still do) these fascinating stories in the Bible, when I was younger, of people who were called by God to do great and mighty things. These people weren't obvious choices for kings, rulers, judges, or the mother of a Savior...BUT they were. Although the bible doesn't always tell us how a person felt after they were called, they were only human. And with that comes these temporary moments of disbelief in themselves. 

Think about it: In every decision they had to make that NOT everyone believed was the right one, they had to remain strong in it. In every lonely minute they spent trying to lead numbers of people, their lives were constantly under scrutiny; while other's constantly gave their opinion of how things should go. I'm sure there were times when they too battled the thought that someone else should be doing what they were doing. And we've all heard the many times they wanted to quit because it was more than they could carry. 

But just when they couldn't carry anymore, the LORD stepped in. He took over and he won every time! He brought them through battle, temptation, mistake after mistake, and the raising of the Savior of the world. 

I've heard so many arguments about how much God does through us and how much of it is actually us....and the only thing I can conclude is that He is the very breath we breath...so how can we think that we can do anything without Him? We only think that we can because God has never ceased to exist - therefore - we have breath and life. 

This morning, on my way to lead worship at church, I prayed a prayer. I prayed that God would completely take over...a prayer I've learned to be careful praying - because He will! I yearned for a new awakening in the lives of the people and for breakthrough and refreshing. I so badly wanted them to forget about the team on stage and be drawn to the presence and love of God. I wanted something new for the people ...I really did want God to take over. 

There was this moment of complete "vulnerability" while I was worshiping after I sang the line "Give me eyes to see more of who you are..." that I completely lost it. I couldn't sing a note at all, let alone well. It took everything in me to remain composed. He had taken over...

There are only a few moments that I can recall this happening while I was meant to be leading a congregation in worship, and every time I have had to recognize that God was there and forget about the detriment of my vocal mis-happenings. After all, it is and never will be about my voice or about anyone else on the team. 

Sure, my voice is not the greatest...I've never had a problem with wanting to argue this point, but I know God is with me. He is near to me, working with me (again..so hard to comprehend) to bring other's to Him who don't know about His love. 

I could make a list of my weaknesses and probably get them all right...after all, I am my biggest critique :) But I find this hope and strength in knowing that His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses.

So I'll keep going on with life, working on the very thing God has called me to do. I'll keep taking lessons to better my voice or whatever (because God and people deserve our best), but at the end of the day, if I allow - He will take over. 

I can't get over this thought ...I kept saying out loud in my car as I was driving... "God, I really can't do this life without you...I really can't. Please don't let me think that I can." As I'm writing this, I'm fighting back tears because I know that I may forget my need for Him. But I know It's alright...He'll remind me all over again :).

Be encouraged by His grace in your life...it is for the impossible situations. His grace is for the unlikely leaders (such as myself)...It is for the "unqualified," the "unschooled," the "vulnerable," the "over-worked," the "unappreciated," and whatever else you've ever thought about yourself. 

He is for YOU. He is WITH you. He has CALLED you. 

Is God CRAZY, You ask...??

Of course He is...He is crazy about YOU.

You are loved...xx