Caught in the middle

Sydney to LA to Porterville to LA to Houston to Lake Jackson to San Marcos back to Lake Jackson and then back to San Marcos.

That's my journey so far.

I had plans. Big ones. Plans that seemed possible in their own uniquely impossible man-thought up ways. But for the most part; in my mind, they were possible.

Then days turned to weeks that then turned into almost two months. And here I am in a place I NEVER "planned" on being.  Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed every moment with my family. I haven't seen them in over a year and a half. So seeing my family has been nothing short of timely.

I guess It's in the 'down time' moments when everyone is asleep or away at work that I wonder what the heck is going on?! My plans of returning to a place I've called home in my heart since before I ever moved there isn't happening. And the interesting thing is that it's not entirely impossible for me to make my way back there permanently one day. But it's what's going on in my heart that doesn't quite make sense...

...and it scares me.

I love the Lord so much! I don't pretend to even believe; however, that I could 'out-love' Him. He loves me so much more than I could comprehend. And that makes me want to serve Him forever. And I want to do and go and be where He wants. I want this. And I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever been afraid of being in the wrong place because I believe I have always heard God clearly in regards to places. And it was obvious almost immediately. Until now.

The only thing I know is that I had peace when I left Sydney. I knew it was the right time...I had peace that I would leave and come back. I had peace about studying again for a degree. I had peace about leaving friends  knowing I'd be back and wouldn't have to say goodbye. BUT the Lord began to try and speak to me about other things that sadly; at the time, I didn't want to have anything to do with. He was trying to show me a city that I never would have considered living in. A city I wanted to only spend new years and Christmas in one day..NOT live in.  A city that's so much bigger than me. A city that scares the 'hell' out of me. A city that is bursting with hunger and thirst for Him. ANOTHER CITY.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (every emotion you can think of all at once :)

And it's hard to admit, but sometimes it takes leaving something that you've poured so much into and made 'home' for you to see what He is trying to say. Call it a sabbatical if you will :).

So I've finally woken up and for lack of a nicer way to put it, (considering the way I acted looking back) I got my head out of my butt (or my own selfish desires) and looked upward. I still believe one day (whether in the next 5- 10-20 years) I will go back and live in Sydney. God doesn't put things on your heart to tease you. He isn't a jerk.

But for now, this is preparation...for something bigger than me. I've got too much in me that God has drawn out of me to stay in one place and do nothing. I've got these massive dreams and visions of people's lives being changed and me being a part of it. I wasn't born to follow forever. But I'll follow as long as it takes.

Right now; some days, I feel like I'm caught in the middle. But the place in the middle isn't the bad place, it's the place of testing and waiting.

I know it's an oldie but it's a goodie :) - "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek HIS will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

I hope this helps someone...

you are loved. xx

The gift of Serenity

3 days ago, I was in the Los Angeles airport (blah) waiting for my flight to Houston. I had a long wait to go so I got a drink at Starbucks and headed on over to the gate where I would depart from... Gate 2.

There were no more seats available, so I found some carpeted floor space and took a seat and started reading my 'news weekly' magazine; I bought it because it had an article regarding Afghanistan in it.

Soon after I sat down and started reading, a beautiful young girl around 23 years old (I'm guessing) came out of the restroom holding her baby girl. I gathered by the little time I spent with her that she was a single mother. And for some reason I couldn't stop watching her and her daughter. She was enjoying every moment that she had with her. It can't be easy traveling alone with a baby...no matter how long the distance. But they both were making each other laugh.

Her baby girl kept looking at me just starring...and smiling and laughing as I returned the gesture with 'goofy' faces and laughs to match hers. The three of us shared a few moments of laughter and joy over this single baby girl.

I began to speak to her mother complimenting her little girl and then asked what her name was... she replied...

"Serenity."

You can call me sentimental or old-fashioned, but I love names and their meanings. I'm a big fan of names that have incredible meanings to them. However; if you're one of those who have been given a name with an 'unfortunate' meaning...it doesn't define you. I just think that a great meaning CAN define you. For example, my first name NATALIE means 'God's gift of joy.' My middle name - SONJA - means 'Wisdom.' I really want to be both of these things. So with grace and love that God gives...I attempt everyday to live these things.

This little girl that I had the joy of sharing a few moments of life and laughter with really was exactly what her name was - she was Serenity. I guess I could say that is the feeling that I felt after being in her presence.

Now I'm not so sure why this has always been the case, but when I'm going through something that I don't completely understand or a situation that has brought anything less than joy to my life, I can recount every single one of these times in my life. As clear as day. And each and every one of these times, I believe God has brought joy to me through a child. I know that sounds crazy...it is possible. But EVERY single time, somehow a child has approached me and said something to me so profound and something that has changed me forever. I wish I could explain it more than that.

Sure children need a lot. The younger, the more they need. I have never had children so maybe that means I have no grounds to say what I'm going to say...but I will regardless.

Children are a joy....and a gift! I love how they always speak honestly and frankly. I love how they laugh. I love how they never doubt how their needs will be met. I love that they never doubt. They have more faith than any of us do...because their faith hasn't been tainted. They still have hope. And contradictary to what some people believe...children can forgive better than most adults. It's like they understand the whole 'forgive and forget' principle so much better.
I love that they have an imagination that can bring out the 'kid' in you. I love that they make up jokes and think they are the funniest person in the world. I love how they exaggerate...and the ridiculousness of it makes me laugh. I love how when they build a bond with you...you are the first one they run to when they fall and get hurt. I love when they pray and the funniest things come out for everyone to hear. I love when you say something you shouldn't, they will always repeat it...and you realise you're in BIG trouble.

I could go on forever.

I can't imagine life without them. More than the fact that it'd be weird to have only adults existing on Earth...we need children. We need them to survive. Yes I said survive. I really believe God places them in our path to keep us sane. And even more than all of that, Jesus was righteously angry in protecting them. He defended them like no other.

But if you haven't figured that out yet, I really can't wait til you do. It will change your life. THEY will change you life.

Serenity reminded me of how special children are. She reminded me of something so profoundly simple...

How much of a gift they are.

I believe one day your eyes will be opened to something so beautiful and so humbling in it's own way... The gift of Serenity.


You are loved

Obedience...there's always something better waiting

Obedience... well... it doesn't always make sense.

When you're young and still a little sheltered in your knowledge of good and bad, you don't quite understand why when you're mom or dad has said 'no' -that its wrong. So...out of curiosity, you do it anyway. And then quickly find out why it was a no. This was usually followed by a deep regret because of the immense pain you're in from whatever your curiosity led you to try for the first time. Ohhh the good old days...

But now, I'm an adult - have been for awhile now... Mom and Dad are still Mom and Dad but they can't watch my every move. They can't always warn me of harmful things. And even more - they are all the way across the ocean. So...yeah.

There are so many times in my life I can recall taking time to imagine what my life would be like if God hadn't saved me; from relationships that were wrong, from wrong opportunities, wrong jobs, wrong cars, and the list goes on. What gets me even more, is knowing that there is so much more that I CAN'T see that He has saved me from. I wonder how many times He was was 'whispering' to not go out with that friend to that place - or to not go on that trip...even though it all seemed innocent and OK. I believe with all my heart that He saved me from a lot more than I will ever know.

And the choice to listen to that still small voice was obedience. It wasn't/isn't easy and many times, it didn't make sense. There are still situations in my life that I look back and think 'But it looks OK...' but KNOW that God didn't feel the same. I don't know what everything in heaven will be like. But I'd like to think that for a moment we might get a glimpse of things we never understood here on earth there. Maybe. Or maybe by then, I won't care. :)

There is something in my life that I've been waiting for - for a LONG time. Something that I KNOW God has promised me. And I remember at one point years ago saying to God 'I would wait forever for that, if I had to.'

If only it were that easy.

Ever since then, there have been many occasions where something else looked 'just as good'... but I always felt that still small faithful voice of God remind me - 'It's not the best...I've got better.' And I knew He was right. There hasn't been anything any better than what the Lord has promised me.

A dear friend of mine reminded me of the story of Abraham and Sarah in the book of Genesis. If you've never read their story in Genesis - you should...

After confiding in my friend about this situation in my life that I've been waiting for...she says to me this: 'You don't want an Ishmael, You want an Isaac."

Like I said, If you don't know what I'm talking about...PLEASE GO READ THE STORY! Its a good one!

So...as much as the Lord gives us a free choice...He also knows what is the best for us. He loves us THAT much that he would want the absolute best for us.

And even though obedience may be painful at times...and even though it may not make any sense to anyone (including yourself), it is always a very good thing.

I don't remember where I heard this - but someone was once asked what true worship to God was...to which they replied: "Obedience."

Obedience is not about following a rule or a law...its an understanding that if you heed to the warning - something better is waiting.


You are loved...

xx

Haiti - I've never forgotten you

11 years ago I decided to take a 2 week mission trip with a bunch of other young people I didn't know to Dominican Republic and Haiti. We all met up in a training camp just outside of Dallas, Texas. While we were there, we did some training on what to expect from where we were going.

You can plan, imagine, prepare - (whatever you want to call it) for something all you like...but it can never really really prepare you for the reality of a situation.

Haiti is one of the most beautiful places (geographically) on the Earth that I have seen so far. I mean, I woke up every morning and had fresh bananas and pineapple directly from the source - I still can remember the taste. I may grow bananas one day...the thought of it has inspired me to. :)

But what I remember the most about Haiti is their spiritual heritage. Before heading to Haiti from Dominican republic, we were warned of the history of Haiti and how they had devoted most of the lives to worshipping using witchcraft and all that comes with that. All we knew is that it would be very different then the United States. When a whole nation has decided to make Voodoo their primary religion and belief... you know things are gonna be different.

We were on our way to Haiti by bus from Dominican. As soon as we crossed the border between the two countries - something changed...we felt it. The only way to explain it is that something 'spiritually' had changed. Before we could say anything that put words to how we all felt at that same moment...the bus completely broke down. Right there...within only meters of arriving in the country of Haiti...our bus had completely stopped working. Immediately we all looked at each other and knew that this was going to be a battle. One that ONLY our preperation in prayer had prepared us for.

You see, our team wasn't just traveling around doing 'nice things for Jesus.' We were preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ...and hundreds of people were being saved because of the message. People were being healed and set free and being connected with great churches in their area so that they could continue to serve Jesus with others. And if you've been a follower of Christ longer than 2 minutes - you will have found out quicker than you can say the word 'quick' that satan exists only to see destruction come to our lives. And ANYTHING that brings Life and salvation is an enemy to him.

So we came there to bring life, love, freedom, and bring the message of salvation to people who probably had NEVER heard this message. We came to bring the message of hope and salvation to people who had been using voodoo mixed with their version of Catholicism for as long as their country had existed. Most of them knew nothing else.

Ever since then I have been vowing in my heart that I would return...the people stole a place in my heart.

We stopped at a little orphanage just right inside the country and began to get to know the children who barely spoke any English. So we used the little bit of french we knew and did our best to communicate. We taught them songs about Jesus in french...songs like 'Jesus loves me.' So here we are...just young people - who didn't know what we were doing other than that we were relying completely on God to show us - and these beautiful Haitian children were singing songs about Jesus' love for them. I look back and still get the same feeling...'oh the ways God can bring healing and restoration to a nation.'

And just the other day - we all hear of massive natural disasters that have hit Haiti. And I guess it just hits home. Yes...11 years is a long time ago...but you never forget things like this. Ever.

Haiti needs prayer...more prayer than we normally would give. The stupid thing is that I'm sure someone who calls themselves a 'christian' will probably give their opinion that the reason natural disaster has come to Haiti is because of their devotion to satan. And believe you me...I will give that person my opinion when it happens!! God does not bring destruction upon a nation because of their disobedience...if so...America would be first! (AND I'M AMERICAN!!)

So...what is our part?...what is my part?...prayer..finance...whatever it takes. They need to know love and acceptance from every other part of the world. Love draws people to Jesus...not judgement.

There is so much work to do...we need to be praying for peace in this situation. Natural disaster has always bred more crime than what would normally be. And it was the case several years ago when Haiti was hit by two other massive cyclones/hurricanes. Let's pray this will not be the case...and that instead...the name of Jesus would rise up...and people would be drawn to Him....forever.

I still believe there is hope in devastation...God uses all things and makes them beautiful and new. I love the part in the movie 'The Passion of Christ' when Jesus is carrying the cross and Mary(his mother) runs over to him when He drops it...she is worried, feels hopeless...but He says to her..'Do not cry...for I make all things new.'

Let us pray.

Always Forever...

Its raining outside...one of my favorite things when i'm inside all snug under a blanket. I can smell the rain right now - Serenity.

I'm sitting here thinking, imagining how my life is gonna look in the next few months and how what's in my heart is gonna happen. And then, I quickly imagined how our creator must feel when I continually doubt what He can do. Doubt that He is big enough, strong enough, creative enough....ENOUGH.

I've found myself almost planning in the back of my mind going back to a place I once called home...a long long time ago. I keep thinking - 'It would be so much easier to just quit trusting and just go.' I keep thinking that every door that doesn't seem to be opening here...means its a door closing here. I keep thinking that the friendships I thought would happen aren't happening because its a door closing. You know...all the things that people have 'felt the need' to tell me at one time.

What is completely insane is that I know deep down it will all work out. But its hard waiting...and looking at what seems like 'wall after wall' of endless IMPOSSIBILITIES. Its funny though; everytime I try ( I mean REALLY try) to look into other options...I just feel God lead me to stop.

I gotta be honest - I don't know what that means. I'm a planner...I like to plan. I LOVE spontaneous...but I think I only love it when its convenient. But all this TRYING to plan ahead is making miss out on what's directly in my life right now. I don't wanna miss out on the good things I have now.

I've probably envied others more lately than I ever have in my whole life. And that is NOT easy to say. Wishing that their easy life was mine...funny how we think everyone else's life is easier than our own. Little do we know the struggles, challenges and the trust they had to learn to walk in.

In saying all of that - mostly nonsense...I do need Him. Always and forever. There will never be a season in my life where I will 'have it all together.' Ha! I may think I do...ohhh but I don't. I will always always always need my Saviour. I need Him to show me how to be more like Him and less like...well me (the 'moody' me). :)

So as the rain falls, the thunder rumbles, the wind violently blows the wee-baby trees outside my bedroom window...i'm listening to a song on repeat. And it couldn't be more perfect for what I need to learn - remember - meditate on right now. I recommend you listen to it if you can. Its called 'Always Forever' by Phil Wickham.


You are the hand
That catches my fall
You are the friend
That answers my call

You are my day
You are my night
You are my love
And all of my life

You are the Love I need
you are the air I breathe
You are my love, my life
always forever
I would lay down my life
just to be by your side
you are my love my life
always forever
always forever

You are the grace that covers my sin
You're everything, the beginning and end
you have my soul
my heart and my mind
You have my love
And all of my life

Hallelujah
Forever

The Need for a Saviour..

One of the great mentors in my life says this: 'we are saved, yet being saved. We are healed, yet being healed...' And this is not just a quote...this is truth.


A little over 3 1/2 years ago, I was a girl who felt so unworthy - so completely messed up. I had grown up in church and with a great family. But life had happened. And I had made some dumb choices just months before that. I had moved to a new country, and a new life...but the brokenness and unworthiness still resided in me.

Whilst sitting in a lecture in college; a question was asked by the lecturer that left me and only a few others unable to raise our hands. And in a quick moment, I felt all alone and exposed of my 'brokenness'. I remember feeling so embarrassed. It wasn't fair that everyone knew my personal business when they didn't know me. Extreme as it may sound...I wanted to run out of that room. But I held in the tears and the shame. Even on the bus ride home, I didn't sit next to anyone. I was in one of those 'if I say a word I may lose it to crying historically' moments.

All of a sudden, a song came over the speakers in the bus. I had heard this song many times before...but this time was different. The lyrics go like this:

'A thousand times i've failed, still your mercy remains.
Should I stumble again
Still i'm caught in your grace..'

Music has a way of bringing healing and hope. This was my song for the next few months. And even now, when I hear this song, it takes me back to a time when I was broken but was being mended by a beautiful, grace-giving God who never saw me broken...he saw me whole.

This began my REAL relationship with Jesus, my Saviour. I quickly learned that growing up in a great church and with a great family does not mean that you have a relationship with God. I began to talk to Him. And as weird as it may seem to some of you...this brought more healing than anything I have ever experienced before. It became a day-by-day, step-by-step process of recovery. Everyday, I woke up knowing I needed a Saviour.

The way I am descibing how I felt may appear worse than it was. Most of what I went through was how I saw myself...however; how we view ourself can be the most damaging weapon.

Shane Claiborne tells a story in his book 'The Irresistable Revolution' of a conversation he had with a man he knew who always 'stirred up' things when talking about religion. This man says 'Jesus never hung out with prostitutes..' to which Shane quickly gave scripture reference to oppose this. The man quickly rebutled the scriptural argument with these words, 'Jesus never hung out with prostitutes because he didn't see them that way. He just saw people he was madly in love with.' WOW...this coming from a man who had not grown up in church. He had a better understanding of the grace and love of God than most of us who have.

Now I understand that we have not all done anything similar to prostituting and/or anything of the like; but we have ALL done things that require a Saviour's forgiveness and grace. And the beautiful, yet humbling thing is we can not earn it. We don't deserve it either. And I'll repeat myself...YOU CAN NOT EARN IT. Not by good deeds. Nothing we do can earn the love that Jesus ALREADY has for us.

I'm still trying to comprehend this. Years into serving and having a relationship with God...and I still can't comprehend this kind of love. But it is so very very real. And it is the most beautiful news that will ever exist. Ever.

Music has a real power to bring life, comfort, peace, joy, and sometimes freedom to people. At least for me - it has always been this way. Everytime I get ready to sing, play, or write, I hope and pray that it does that very thing for those who hear/read it. I guess when you have experienced grace and love, you want to give it freely.

I have a hard time making a judgement towards someone because I know that their 'temporary' rudeness, inability to be kind, etc. is simply because of their own pain. I remember where i've come from. I remember what Christ has saved me from and forgiven me of. I don't feel guilty or unworthy. I feel completely humbled. I know I am a broken person...yet I am healed. I am healed...yet I am being healed.

That is real hope. Right there...plain as day. A preacher once told a story recently about how he asked a group of young people if they could have one wish, one thing...what would it be. All answered with a desire for something of possession. All but one of the young boys. This one young boy replied with this: "I would ask for forgiveness."

No matter who you are...what age, race, religion...you know you need forgiveness. Which brings us to this undeniable conclusion...

That we are ALL in need of a Saviour.

And there is only ONE who saves....

JESUS.

You are so very loved,

nat

Take a deep breath...then jump!

Here I am...4 years into what I would call: the greatest years of my life so far. And I don't say that lightly. I mean it.



That's not to say that within these last four years I haven't had a bad day or experienced anything tragic. Quite the contrary. But I wouldn't change ONE SINGLE moment of those bad days. Because I've learnt more than I could have imagined from them.



I'm living in a country I love...(most days its a competition between Australia and America being the best) ...but most of the time...Australia wins. I could have never imagined I'd be living here. Although; deep in my heart, I always knew I'd end up somewhere else in the world (because of my love and interest for it) I still couldn't have painted or created the life I'm living now. Its a big life. And I guess the only downside of it is that I rarely ever see my family. Its actually a BIG downside of living here...


I guess I can't have everything :)


This is home. This is MY home. This is MY HOME. Australia. In my heart...and for now, quite literally. However... this wasn't originally my home. And with that comes the confronting truth that I may not be able to stay here. And I gotta be honest.....


That breaks my heart. Like, my heart hurts when I think of it. (just being real for a second)


God is still God. And ULTIMATELY, I want what God knows is best for me more than I want whatever plan I think is best. In other words, I want God more than I want to be disobedient or selfish.


If you're reading this and you don't have a relationship with God. You MUST know that He only wants the best for you and I. Real love gives us free-will. I guess that is what I 'would imagine' would be the hardest thing about being a parent...giving them direction - but ultimately letting them choose the way they will. God loves you and I. So much...


There are specific things in my life that I've been holding on to...and maybe its just a matter of continuing to wait for them to happen. But then again...maybe its time to let go. Either way, I've got to trust the God who has always guided me into ONLY the best for my life.


Then there are those times when what God calls us to do requires a big jump. Its more than scary....its the thing that makes you wanna run the other way when you see it. It scares you more than anything. But you know its rightly perfect for your life.



I'm not saying by any means that I have what i've been talking about ALL FIGURED OUT...i'm still learning. And, i'll bet you, i'll be continuing to learn this principle my whole life.



But for now...I have this feeling that what i'm about to step into is going to require a big deep breath...followed by an 'all or nothing' jump.

I remember when I used to go cliff jumping. 20-55ft jumps...big time jumps. And the only way to get your feet off that rock and into mid-air was to take a big deep breath...then jump!

There's a sort of peace in the 'not knowing' of what we're jumping into,

Nat