I could say a million and one delightfully descriptive words regarding my mom - but this time - It's all about my dad.
The thing is, my dad is the type of guy who I could brag on for days and yet he wouldn't understand how great he is to me. It's a good kind of frustration.
My dad is 'MAP MAN.' I'm not kidding!!! Literally everywhere I've been in the world, dad somehow knows where exactly I am in relation to some other place nearby. He could tell me how to get somewhere even though he'd never been there himself. I swear, If he had a super-power, this would be it. To never get lost going anywhere. Ok, maybe I am the only one that would call that a super power. :)
I remember when I was little, we used to go down to the local elementary school on a Saturday morning/afternoon and play basketball. Dad took the time to help me to get better. I loved that time with him. I was his little girl. I remember mom telling me funny stories about him and I. One, being how when it was his turn to bathe me when I was like 3 or 4 years old, He'd finish off and comb my hair back like a boy. I mean, what was he supposed to do when he'd only learned on my older brother? But my mom would laugh at him and tell him that he shouldn't comb my hair back like a boy - cause I was a girl. I sort of wish I were a fly on the wall during moments like that.
I remember playing hide-and-seek with my dad and my other brother. My dad was so strong, and big, and loud that when we played with dad, my brother and I would always be so scared to find dad that we'd always get mom to come with us to find him. It was the best.
I remember him tickling us until we couldn't breathe...I remember him never ever yelling at us - only a slight raise of the voice. And I gotta tell ya, I hated that - cause I knew he was disappointed when the voice was raised.
But then I became a 'young woman.' And things changed just a little bit - which felt like a lot. I thought I knew everything and he knew nothing. I thought a lot of things and acted a lot of ways towards my dad that some days I wish I could take back. But that is all a part of growing up and learning. I knew back then that one day I'd grow up and see my Dad differently. I knew I'd appreciate him more than I could possibly explain to anyone. I knew that one day, my love for my Dad would be so strong that my heart would hurt.
That time came. That time is now.
I think the greatest revelation that you will have as a child regarding your parents is when you realize how much they've sacrificed their own dreams and visions of what they thought life would be for them to make sure that YOURS came true...Now. My dad saved as much as he could considering all the 'unfortunate things' that would come up that would swallow every bit of that savings. So he'd start all over because he is a wise man - faithful with what God has given him. My dad wanted to finish his degree; the degree he never finished when he was younger. A regret I'm sure that will haunt him forever. I still; however, think he is the smartest man I know.
I've been without a job for over 2 months. It's really hard for me to be OK with this. I'm naturally the 'hard-working' type. I was brought up that way and I'm so thankful that I was. Without a job and no income coming in, dad has selflessly made sure that I've been OK during this time. Something I'm both thankful to him for, annoyed and quietly ashamed of myself. It's only temporary, I know.
The other day as Dad was leaving after his visit with the rest of family, He gave me some money. The moment he started to reach for his wallet, I immediately said, "dad...please don't. Don't give me more money." I meant it. Dad had helped me too much as far as I was concerned. But instead he gave it to me anyway and told me that it was going to be alright and that I would have a job soon but that he wanted to make sure I was ok until then. He didn't know it, but I started to cry as he walked away.
I didn't deserve that money at all. I had spent what he'd previously given me before. I hadn't squandered it or anything like that...but it was money he'd worked for and I'm 26 years old. I expected more from myself.
I went for a drive later on that night and I began to ponder on that one moment. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else - but It's like I understood God - my father - in a whole new way.
You see, I have never done anything to earn what He has so abundantly given me. That in my bad decisions and mistakes - moments when I have nothing to show for the place I'm in - HE sweeps in and pours abundantly that love and blessing I've come to know so well. I am undone all over again.
And yet; somehow, I still believe that I have/and can earn my way to His love. I realize that because I think I feel that way about my Dad. I feel that way even though He has never given me any indication that I needed to do so. My earthly father has never made me earn his love. Ever.
How much more does God; without condition, want to do the same?
I honestly can't say anything else at this point - I am undoubtedly undone. Hopefully forever.
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