That's my journey so far.
I had plans. Big ones. Plans that seemed possible in their own uniquely impossible man-thought up ways. But for the most part; in my mind, they were possible.
Then days turned to weeks that then turned into almost two months. And here I am in a place I NEVER "planned" on being. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed every moment with my family. I haven't seen them in over a year and a half. So seeing my family has been nothing short of timely.I guess It's in the 'down time' moments when everyone is asleep or away at work that I wonder what the heck is going on?! My plans of returning to a place I've called home in my heart since before I ever moved there isn't happening. And the interesting thing is that it's not entirely impossible for me to make my way back there permanently one day. But it's what's going on in my heart that doesn't quite make sense...
...and it scares me.
I love the Lord so much! I don't pretend to even believe; however, that I could 'out-love' Him. He loves me so much more than I could comprehend. And that makes me want to serve Him forever. And I want to do and go and be where He wants. I want this. And I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever been afraid of being in the wrong place because I believe I have always heard God clearly in regards to places. And it was obvious almost immediately. Until now.
The only thing I know is that I had peace when I left Sydney. I knew it was the right time...I had peace that I would leave and come back. I had peace about studying again for a degree. I had peace about leaving friends knowing I'd be back and wouldn't have to say goodbye. BUT the Lord began to try and speak to me about other things that sadly; at the time, I didn't want to have anything to do with. He was trying to show me a city that I never would have considered living in. A city I wanted to only spend new years and Christmas in one day..NOT live in. A city that's so much bigger than me. A city that scares the 'hell' out of me. A city that is bursting with hunger and thirst for Him. ANOTHER CITY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (every emotion you can think of all at once :)
And it's hard to admit, but sometimes it takes leaving something that you've poured so much into and made 'home' for you to see what He is trying to say. Call it a sabbatical if you will :).
So I've finally woken up and for lack of a nicer way to put it, (considering the way I acted looking back) I got my head out of my butt (or my own selfish desires) and looked upward. I still believe one day (whether in the next 5- 10-20 years) I will go back and live in Sydney. God doesn't put things on your heart to tease you. He isn't a jerk.
But for now, this is preparation...for something bigger than me. I've got too much in me that God has drawn out of me to stay in one place and do nothing. I've got these massive dreams and visions of people's lives being changed and me being a part of it. I wasn't born to follow forever. But I'll follow as long as it takes.
Right now; some days, I feel like I'm caught in the middle. But the place in the middle isn't the bad place, it's the place of testing and waiting.
I know it's an oldie but it's a goodie :) - "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek HIS will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6
I hope this helps someone...
you are loved. xx
