ENOUGH.

Tonight...my heart is heavy.  

For many reasons...all of which stem from this one thought in my head... "AM I EVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH?"

I don't know every single female in the whole world, but I'm positive that I'm not the only girl that has ever asked this question of herself.

Or how about these questions...?

Should I dress more like this or that?
Should I wear more makeup?
Should I wear less makeup?
Is it because I am not rich?
Is it because of my past?
Should I be more quiet?
Should I be more loud...outgoing?
Am I too boring?
Am I obnoxious?
Am I not pretty enough?
Am I worthy of waiting for?
Should I settle?
Should I lower my standards?
Am I skinny enough?
Am I tall enough?
Am I too tall?
Am I fun?
AM I ENOUGH?

SOUND FAMILIAR?????

Darlings.  You need to know something...WE need to know something...as in, KNOW IT...That we are most definitely enough for someone.  JESUS.

We can so easily allow the media to dictate how we view ourselves...and we mustn't let it.  WE ARE ABOVE THAT.  We are enough. So go ahead and get those fun, chick magazines and allow your creativity to be stirred as you look at the gorgeous photos...and soak up the fun fashion.  BUT as soon as your mind begins to wander into the land of "am I enough?"...I think it'd be a good time to put that magazine down/shut your computer off...and Pick up your sword.  ALSO known as the word of GOD.

Remind yourself of what He says about you.  Never forget that the VERY CREATOR Himself looks at  you, and He looks at me...He doesn't see one single flaw.  He sees perfection.

READ Psalm 139...THE WHOLE THING.  Read it again.  And again, and again. Until you GET IT. Until you really understand that you are wonderfully made.

I have wondered too many times in my life...if I was ever going to be enough for any guy.  More recently, this is the case.  It is amazing what a broken heart can "vomit up"... and how I thought I had dealt with certain beliefs about myself years ago...beliefs about my future.

So here I am UPROOTING a belief that has produced more ugly fruit that I'd like to admit.  There have been WAY too many sleepless nights...and tears in response to my realization of this.  Now, I could be discouraged if I let myself...but the TRUTH is, I'm on my way to FREEDOM.

I'm nearly there.  NEARLY.  I know that because - just like a wound healing looks ugliest before it goes away...so is this.

RETRAIN THE MIND.

RENEW THE MIND.

That's what i'm doing.  That's what I'm going to do for the REST of my life...because I know that there will be more incorrect beliefs in my life that I will need to uproot.  I'm up for growth...I'm up for doing whatever it takes to be more free.

Ultimately, our freedom is so that others may know the same kind of freedom we have been given.

Imagine a world where people were free from wondering if they were ENOUGH...what would that even look like?!

So, If you've ever asked yourself this question...especially recently...let me remind you of how much you are better off BEING YOURSELF than you are being anyone else.  Plus, there really isn't anything more attractive than when people are being themselves.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.  I AM ENOUGH.  WE ARE ENOUGH.

Don't strive in wondering if you are...JUST BE YOU.

You are loved...

xoxo

A "Costly" Journey..

It costs a lot to walk in freedom...but yet MY FREEDOM was paid for...and it was given freely.


There isn't a day that goes by that I don't fight for my freedom in one or more areas of my life...


Freedom from what I fear
Freedom from intimidation
Freedom to be myself
Freedom to not care about what others think of me
Freedom to do what I was called to do...and not live another person's life
Freedom to LET someone win me over, instead of settling for the wrong relationship..(GEES LOUISE!)
Freedom to look in the mirror and KNOW I'm beautiful
Freedom to draw out the best in others and not be threatened by their strengths over mine
Freedom to not live in the "boxes" I've built according to what I think life should look like
Freedom to step out and do what I've never done
Freedom to allow others to be free around me.....


Jesus paid for my freedom.  He paid for OUR freedom...and there isn't a day that goes by that I am reminded of that simple truth.  Albert Einstein said it perfectly..."Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom."  Not that we should LABOR to walk in freedom, but that we should effortlessly walk with intentional purpose to be free in everything. 


Paul said it much better in Galatians 5:1 - "So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law." (NLT) 


I am convinced more than ever that my LIFE word is FREEDOM.  I want to LIVE it, breath it, believe it, walk in it, serve in it, work in it, DRINK it, and ultimately show it to others.  The only tattoo I've ever wanted is to put the word "freedom" on my wrist as a reminder that I don't have to put back on the same chains that have bound me for so long.  If Christ has truly set me free, why would I put on the same chains he broke off of me...because I'm comfortable wearing them?? Maybe because I've known it for such a long time, that wearing the chains feels normal??


Whatever the reason was for me staying "chained up" until now...is irrelevant.  Someone told me recently that a homeless man/woman doesn't think about anything other than the "NOW."  He or she doesn't think about what they did wrong in the years prior, that led them to being homeless...and they definitely don't think about what they are doing a week from now.  The one thought that keeps him or her living each day, is the NOW.  There is so much wisdom in that. 


Of course I want to dream about the future...and of course I believe in planning.  But what I want to do really well, is live in the NOW - to the best of my ability.  I don't want to live in the past...or even worse...I don't want to live desiring something in the future that isn't for me.  


I figure...the least I could do in return...for my Savior who gave EVERYTHING for me to live in Freedom...is to ACTUALLY WALK IN FREEDOM.   The least I could do is accept the free gift HE gave.  


FREEDOM IS A COSTLY journey...it sets you apart...


Freedom doesn't relate to gossip
Freedom doesn't feed insecurity
Freedom rejoices in other's successes - especially your close friends
Freedom sees the potential in the things that have never been done
Freedom doesn't understand racism or hatred toward others
Freedom knows patience reaps the best kind of harvest
Freedom doesn't get caught up in other's opinions because it knows the TRUTH
Freedom only wants to be itself.....


Freedom is a COSTLY journey...one that Jesus already paid for me.  


You are loved...
xx

The Insecure City becomes the City of light.

This is where I live....New York City...one of the most insanely assiduous places I've ever see in my entire life.  Every ONE person here has a direct intention: to survive and make money...and it appears that people will do whatever it takes to attain that end.  This is a city where success is painted completely different from one person to the next...success is defined in the eyes of every passing stranger.  

I remember when I first moved here, I didn't understand how so many people could live in one place, and yet seem so distant from one another.  The strange thing is most people assume that everyone else is "busy"...when actually, I think we all assume everyone is "busy"...but the darkness that drives the daily-routine-between-work-and-home is "insecurity." It intertwines itself within the affairs of even the most successful business man who runs the potential-self-destructive-life of wall street.  Insecurity mingles with the elite society model and promises that it will bring more comfort than the confidence he or she once knew before fame.  Insecurity presents its ugly-lying-self on the subway when a young single mother wearing 10 year old shoes and clothing glances over at the seemingly-put-together-supermodel who displays designer clothing.  Insecurity glares its spotlight upon the man who is too afraid to do anything about the horrible scene happening right in front of him...all the while, a homeless man is being beat up - simply because "he isn't good enough for the rest of us."  Insecurity puts its best foot forward when the young waitress (who doesn't know how her bills will be paid) accidentally spills the tray of water all over a customer in a restaurant, and that customer (out of embarrassment) lashes out in anger at the waitress - just loud enough so the whole street can hear.

Insecurity is running ramped in this city...and what is even more ridiculous...that we allow it to roam free, and take over our every day.

About 3 months ago; I was walking to work, so completely overwhelmed by the fact that I could not find solace anywhere.  I was frustrated because I felt like I was never going to survive and keep my sanity in a place like this.  While I was walking down one of the busiest streets in Manhattan, I cried out to God.  "Father, is there peace ANYWHERE in this city?!"

It wasn't even a few seconds later when COMPLETE SILENCE fell upon that street - Park Avenue... Interesting enough, there were still cars and people passing by...but there was silence.  Stillness.  Peace.

I heard a kind, gentle voice....one that I know well..."I am EVERYWHERE you want me to be...."

Then noise and chaos returned.  Only, when it returned - I wasn't overwhelmed....but refreshed from one split-second-reminder of the fact that God, the God of peace - can be anywhere.  We take Him with us.

The subways are filled with people who NEVER once glance at anyone on the subway.  People get on and get off the subway without even knowing that someone has NOTICED them.  How incredibly sad.  It's sad to know that we can be so insecure that we don't even look at people in the eye.

As much as I love music in my ears at all times, I decided 3 months ago that I wouldn't listen to music on the train.  I know that if I do, I will get lost in the music and not pay any attention to those around me - my own issue...but still a problem. :) Instead, I spend the whole subway ride (except for the days when I'm falling asleep, ha!) looking around at people - not in a psycho-stalker-kinda-way, but in a "just so you know, you matter" kinda way.  I make it a point to look at least 5 people in the eye and smile.

Is it uncomfortable?? ABSOLUTELY! Mainly, because people always assume that you have a reason for doing so (like another motive, or that you're hitting on them). Oh well...let them think whatever they want.

I will always wonder what Jesus would do if he were living in NYC...I'll wonder that for years to come, I'm sure.  I will continue to try and do my best to imagine and mirror what he would do.  I know I'll make some mistakes along the way...

New York City has been named many things: The lonely city, the big apple, The city that never sleeps, and the insecure city...I read one today : "The City of Light" - I think we can all agree that this one is by far the best.

NYC=THE CITY OF LIGHT.

xx you are loved.

A beautiful girl, a big dog, and a puppy.

She has long black hair woven into braids; I'm sure, to cover up the fact that the opportunity to wash her hair only comes every few months...still, she was beautiful.  I've seen her several times coming off the subway on Union Square whilst hurrying on to another on my way to work....

She never begs for money...EVER.  She just sits in her spot and waits...for what, I'm not entirely sure.  My guess would be HOPE...some sort of sign that her life was not a mistake, and that whatever put her where she is now does not define her.

She was on her way in the same direction I was...taking the L train-Brooklyn bound.  She sat down near the elevators (made available for those who need them as an alternative to the billions of stairs that you'd have to climb to get out of underground).  She had this big beautiful chocolate brown lab with her...a female lab that had the same calm demeanor that her owner so gently exhibited.  The girl also held tightly underneath her jacket, a puppy...I kept trying to figure out what breed that one was.

As I stood waiting for the train, my heart kept beating faster and harder...I knew that I needed to talk to her.  All day she waits...for HOPE, for SOMETHING...and NO ONE talks to her (or that I've ever seen before)...I tried to think of what to say.  I felt like hours between my decision to talk to her and my actual step towards doing so....It's not that I don't know how to say hello, but rather that I didn't want her to feel like a "charity case."  I wanted her to know that I actually cared for her.  The crazy thing is that everyone else simply starred at her and kept walking....It wasn't until one person talked to her, that others started doing the same...It's sad, really....we are all spectators most of the time.


With hesitation I asked, "Can I pet your dog?...she's so beautiful.."

"yes." she replied, with an obvious hesitation.

"What's her name??" I continued....and she told me.

She continued, and I listened... "This is my boyfriend's puppy....he's in the hospital."

"I'm very sorry to hear that, is he going to be alright?" I asked

"Yeah, he has pneumonia..." She said it like it was the most normal thing that happened in their lives.  It probably was.

Then the train came and we both got on. She took a seat on the floor of the train, and held both of her dogs so close to her as if they were the only thing she had...also probably true.  She then put her head down as if shame was the only other companion that she'd ever known.  I kept starring at her, still unsure of what to do next.  Every part of my unreasonable self wanted to take her into my home and let her live with me....I didn't want to listen to the other part of my self (the reasonable part).

Right in that moment, another homeless young man began a speech on the train about how he needed money and had no family and had no job, food, etc.  He did this like it had become his job, and he was good at it.  She looked up at him and then quickly looked back down.  I kept thinking, "she doesn't beg..."

All I wanted to do was help her, but I really wasn't sure what to do...I kept praying and asking the holy spirit to help me to help her more.  A million and one thoughts flooded my head...but all I wanted was to do what Jesus would have done...and in this moment, I'm still not sure what that would have been.

I'm sure it's easy to read this and have an immediate answer to remedy her situation, but I have this feeling that she was comfortable with her life.  She had made it this far, and I wanted to approach it in a way that didn't seem like I was putting her down, or that I was better than her...because honestly - I'm not.

I still think about her, and pray about her so much....that really isn't enough to ease my heartache for her though.  She deserves to be loved unconditionally, and to experience that real love.  So what if she is never rich (in wealth)...I want her to know the richness of Christ's love for her.

I hope that I see her again, and even more..I hope I can get my brain and heart together enough to do the right thing by her (whatever that is...). Who knows, maybe all that God had for me to do was to talk to her; if even for a short moment....

I still think it's not enough....my heart still aches for her.

I go from one extreme to the other every single day.  I go to work for a company that I am proud to say that I work for...no doubt.  However, I deal with people that have more money than I ever will...and spend it like it doesn't matter.  Additionally; five minutes after I leave work, I'm bombarded by the reality of need everywhere...and it breaks me everyday.

How do I deal with this?? I'm actually not sure....But I know that God is faithful, and If it breaks my heart....I cannot even imagine what it does for HIM.  But He sees HOPE at the very same time.  He sees you and I stepping up to do something about it.

THAT IS REALITY IN THE EYES OF THE LORD....

So if you're ever bored and looking for something to do...just walk outside....

xx

Last night, and the night before...

Last night, I spent the night with a true general for God...a friend of mine, and a true GEM!  We were up late dreaming, and imagining about what God can and will do (far and above our imagination) in this city...I laid in bed just wired with excitement.  All at once, I felt so many emotions invade my heart and spirit...the most confronting was this thought.."I'm so tired of being afraid of being me...and being totally abandoned to Christ...I'm tired of being afraid of other's opinions of my motives...I'm tired of wasting time on these silly things."

I'm convinced that we will never change a habit until we get completely fed up with it...bottom line, we can talk all we want to about eating better or exercising, but we won't until we get tired of how we feel without doing so.  This sort of confrontation is the most painful, yet the most welcomed kind...because it usually means that I'm less of a "baby" in one area...that I'm now eating the "grown-up" food...hopefully that makes sense??

As I laid there dwelling on that thought, I began to talk to God (and remind Him...as if He needs reminding??) about all the times I said I was gonna put the "past" behind me...and grow up in this particular area.  True...that life is about continually growing up...Phil. 1:3...enough said on that...

The truth is...I am very tired.  So incredibly tired of being timid, and shy, and feeling unworthy to do anything for HIM...so exhausted in my striving....so tired of it.  I'm at the point that the mere thought of how much time I've wasted reveling in my insecurity..makes me a little sick (in the best way)...I'm tired of the enemy feeding a stupid lie.  Just plain tired...ha! (enough of the "tired" word).

On the train last night, Katie and I witnessed a very disturbing moment..and we both thought that we would were going to get punched last night...as in, we really felt like it was coming...but God protected us. (side note: I do not live in a dangerous place...I seriously don't..just rare moments like these happen) And honestly, it's all good...but the point is...am I ready for that??? What will my reaction to that be??? Am I prepared to give everything (my pride, my soul, my passion, my flesh) to the gospel?? It is a huge question that I'm afraid we tend to answer with an all-too-quick response of "yes of course..." without truly understanding the repercussions associated with that response.

I want to WANT GOD so much more than I already do...and I know that I don't want Him enough....I know it....but I'm desperate for this to change....

He has been speaking to me...showing me so much about my selfishness, yet showing me His love and compassion all over again...last night, the night before, and the night before that are all examples of this...I hope it continues...

Remind others of His unfailing love towards them...everyone is loved by HIM...xx

What if...

To continue on with my last post...I was imagining a thought today (if that is possible to do??)...this thought-was, I believe-God inspired...because that is what my Father God does...inspire change for the better...

So here's the thought....

What if we were obedient to where God was leading us...WITHOUT any motive whatsoever.  What if we were obedient simply because we want to be obedient and not for any other applause???.....

Christ said that if you do good in front of others...that is all of your reward.  There is no other reward that you will receive.  But...if you are obedient and faithful when NO one sees...your reward is far greater than you can imagine.  Your reward is in heaven.  IN HEAVEN!!!

If I were to be completely honest...and usually I am :)...I would say that I can only remember one occasion in which I had no other motive...NONE.  In all of the rest...my intentions were right, pure, etc...but deep down, I was always hoping for more- opportunity...whatever.  Of course, I didn't mean to want more than what I had...but I did.  And I think that if we were all honest with ourselves...more importantly...with God...I'm sure I would not be the only one.

Building the Church cannot be about anything more than building the church.  It cannot be about what I want...or what I can get out of it....there is no room for that kinda crap!

Teach me Lord, to be pure of heart again...no pretenses...just real, raw, passion for you....

Cheers to the New Year!!

What I do not know... but what I'm excited about...

I have no idea what this next year is going to present in the way of opportunity, relationships, and perhaps a new job---oh soon please!... I think that there is an inner peace in not knowing what everything is going to look like. I'm confident that this is exactly how the disciples lived. Funny enough, I'm sure they thought they knew everything, just like you and I, but deep down- they knew nothing except for that Jesus was real...and they were learning that He would soon become the Savior.

Throughout our lives, we have big expectations about the things we do and have, which is perhaps assumed.  However, if "the expectation" becomes more important than what God originally intended for us to live...then we have most definitely missed something somewhere. We have all stepped into a new season, job, relationship, or opportunity with an expectation in mind of what we will be doing or not doing; we get excited about an idea that we made up...one that never included the Lord at all. I don't know about you, but that sort of scares me. I never want my ambitions to supersede in importance to what I know God believes is better for me.

On the flip side, we should expect the best in every area of our life...isn't this what the Lord teaches us-that He wants to shower down his blessings on us. A life with Christ is always better...but it is not necessarily easier..right? Right.  Heretofore, I have absolutely NO regrets about following Christ, nor do I regret the difficulties that attached themselves as soon as I chose to follow HIM.  I know I have never been alone. Christ continues to lavish His grace and mercy on my life....ever grateful. 

Additionally...I have this absolute obsession with music. Growing up, the only thing I ever wanted to do didn't require fame or fortune (in the eyes of man)...and now I'm coming back to the same “love” that I once had for music. Only now, this obsession has become more God-driven...more or less...an imperative tool that I believe everyone can benefit from. In the previous months, I had the most humbling opportunities to bring healing and love through music – something I will forever be grateful for. The strangest thing is that I had opportunities like this...but in my younger youth, I took them for granted.  

A week ago, I left an opportunity that I believe was beyond what I could have imagined...It was hard work and inspired more toiling – spiritually, than anything I have ever experienced until now. So I'm wondering...will I ever have that experience or opportunity again?...............

The answer....NO. I actually hope that I don't. Not because it wasn't incredible...but because I hope that I continue to move on in where and what God leads me to do.

I remember when I was about to leave Sydney, I sat down with one of my mentors and began to share how I was feeling about leaving. At that time, my plan was to go back to Sydney four months later. I said to her, “I'm so afraid that when I leave and come back, things will never be the same...I'm in a place (opportunity-wise) that I love...what if it doesn't look the same?” To which she replied so eloquently, “It won't look the same...it won't be the same.”

When the “new” comes – I'm ready...things won't look the same, and they definitely won't feel the same. I'm ready...I'm not here to do anything other then to build the church in New York City. That's it. No pretenses, no other ambitions...forgetting what I have done, and what other opportunities I have been given prior to now...this is it. 

I'm convinced that when we keep God at the center of every season or opportunity – God will honor ALL that we put our hands to do....

Cheers to a faith-filled-overflowing-with-love-joy-peace-grace-filled New Year....

You are loved...

xx